The little things

you.

2010-10-18T05:47:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when I'm sitting somewhere quiet and i look up at the skies and i remember how we used to sit by the beach and was so shy leaning on each other and it was like the world never existed it was you and me. Yes, maybe I screwed and I broke your heart, you were so patient. I guess one day you got fedup and I had taken you forgranted, then you left and I laughed, stupidly thinking you'd never walk out the door, cause I remember you promised me 'till death do us part', I remember you said 'forever, baby girl' but I guess I never knew I would be able to push you so far away. I carried on pretending I never knew you, when I saw you I would run and hide my face because I didn't want you to see that I made a mistake. My ego was so big, I never admitted that I was crazy in love with you. After some time, you never crossed my path and I realized how I adored you. I just got my heart broken that day, the same thing i did to you, occured to me. I saw you walking by, you looked my way and called out my name, I was over joyed then u hugged me so tight, and you asked me what happened. I didn't want to tell you my heart was broken, I didn't let myself go, so I lied to you and told you I broke someone's heart but the news already got to you that someone had broken my heart, it was someone I left you for. You knew I lied but played along, the next thing I knew you and me, we were exchanging harsh words and ...

The only news I ever got from your family was, ' we found a tattoo on his body with your name on it'...only a week later I found out you met into a bad accident and god had taken you back. Till today the tears still fall secretly when no ones looking. I miss you so much, every breathe I take I can't live with it. I feel like its all my fault. Till the day my heart stops being, I love you.

Love struck us like lighting

we were perfect

we were everything together

the sun always shined on our worst days

we had a picnic on the moon

nothing ever mattered

when it came to you and me

like the strongest wave no one could break

your eyes were shimmering like cystals

as corny as it sounds

your hair was sprinkled with diamonds

and you really looked like a fairy tale

but a a wind came

it blew away all the beauty

and only left a mess

nothing but

broken glass and shattered hearts

i found we could be...

nothing.

as we tried to pick up the pieces

we exchanged chaos

and you left with you pieces

me with mine

i managed to clean the glasses

but my hands were bleeding with cuts

years had passed

the wounds had healed

leaving scars

more time had passed

and I..

just realised I left the biggest glass

in my heart.

Now im dealing with the pain

it's just in too deep

The trip to penang

2010-10-09T14:38:00.001+08:00

With baggy eyes, ciggarettes and the people dear to me!
It was fun we had lots of great food, shopping and quality time.
Azuri's family was really inviting and friendly to me, made my stay feel great.
We went to Queens Bay to do some light shopping and have the best cendol around.
We also managed to stop by at Gurney Drive for some great hawker food.
The best part of it was going to the beach where we caught horse shoe crab!
No joke and we even caught a stingray which actually had a baby in its body and released it when it was caught.We set it free and watch this tiny young thing begin its lifetime journey. Heck enough talking lets see some pictures!

My two loved bodoh's

Truly Asia LIVE shoot

2010-09-28T04:04:00.000+08:00

25/9/2010
Welcome back!
On the sunday morning, we reached the meeting area at 8. Myself and Azuri and some other crew took off to Sabak Bernam about 45 minutes drive from Kuala Kangsar! The view and the sky, was phenomenal! The air was fresh and it look like a beautiful countryside. There were plenty of padi fields, just harvested not too long ago. As soon as we got to the homestay Kampung Haji Dorani we got settled, dressed and had some refreshments. Surprising the wind was so great, it was still morning at the time. By afternoon the heat was crazy all the girls make-up had streamed down so we had to touch up before the shooting. We were accompanied by our very own Christian which was all dressed in Baju Melayu. The shoot took on for an hour which we had some rendand, ketupat and even dodol. It was an awesome shoot as we has to just be natural which was really great and fun to do. By the time we were done we hopped onto the van and....zzzz... the whole van fell asleep, except the driver of course. By the time I woke up we've already arrived! Hope to get more of this awesome travelling experiences. =) Below are some photos!

Love surfing and using Facebook??

2010-09-27T00:13:00.000+08:00

Practically everyone uses Facebook right? Well, love it so much, you're addicted..how about this, benefitting out of it...Click on this link and see what is offered now only for a period of time as they are promoting their web!!

http://www.GetinFree.com/landing.php?r=Alexis_Ando

liars

2010-08-10T03:14:00.001+08:00

its breaking dawn soon
the only thing running through my head
well was you
but it didnt come out that well
you used to lie
i still believed you
then you messed yourself up
keeping it going
it messed me up
i cleaned the mess
but i dont think you understand what i mean
everytime i say it hurts
you precisely must do
i may have loved so many
but i didnt say it never hurt
especially when it came down to you
i loved the most
but i guess you just couldnt see it
now i stand facing a blank wall
yes, you lied again
with all the stupidest excuse
you ever thought of.
its done.

Had enough

2010-07-30T18:33:00.000+08:00

Everyday saying the same thing, dealing with the same thing. Hell! It just gets so boring and I'm sick of it. It's like a splinter in your hand, so small part on your skin but yet so irritating and painful.

Yes, my everyday life is hell thanks to a small person which such small parts of my life. The little things they do without thinking, speaking to walking from just the sight of it. It clearly states on my face " Get Lost" and " Stop Bugging Me!". Unfortunately some idiots dont understand those terms. Yes, it is so killer. Despite seeing the person almost everyday of my life and just being a total ignorant as much as I can to it. The smartest thing to say " Sorry" never comes out but all the force of argument is brought forth. Ahh! Hello stupidity. God, I hate you. Everything I do I try to give you all the best but you just wont appreciate it, it days like these I regret knowing you. Jesus!

Weekend Get Away

2010-07-25T18:15:00.000+08:00

The entrance of Avilion Port Dickson. Had shisha all night long and water sports like mad, was riding the jet ski with Ando and the other two monkeys Gee and Wai Keat. Patric sat in and enjoyed the view. Supprisingly the water at PD was clear this time around, I could see my feet. =D

We had fresh BBQ too.. Crab and prawns and our lucky catch fish=)

Our Chalet

Awesome Viw ey ;p

Awesome Weekend!!

Mona.vie

2010-07-19T04:30:00.000+08:00

Mona.vie is a health drink which benefits our body and health.There are over forty benefits to us.
-Lowers cholesterol
-Lowers risk of cancer
-Younger/radiant skin
-Balances diet
-More energectis
-Improves sexual hormones
-Maintains a healthy metabolism
Thus a health drink, make some side income as a distributor at Mona.vie.
For more informations call Azuri Ando 0123734776/Andrea 0195496913/aando27@gmail.com , anyw24@hotmail.com
Note : Mona.vie is a legal company and its product is FDA approved.

Crazy timeliness

2010-07-09T16:23:00.000+08:00

To another anonymous rhythm, I think I feel my body crashing down, maybe I just cant take it anymore. There's just too little time to do so much and too much to handle all at once. College has been crazy since I left the studying to the very eleventh hour. My finals falls on the 12 of July and I'm only half way done with my notes. Never been the study type nor the early bird type but yeah been pushing alot to those stuff. This whole week has been judgling a social life, studies, boyfriend and my bestfriend whose going back next sunday. Regularly, she'll be back soon again, but it never fails to recall to me how things was before she left and how things actually is now in present time. Like two totally different style of living, this relates much to our old friends whom we use to spend so much time with, somehow life got in the way of everything. Sucks at times thinking of the friends we made and the ones we lost, we lives we shared and lost. Now days, works been coming in and its awesome. Just yesterday I had to do a commercial for a Korean Market with some Korean Supermodels that flew all the way here for a commercial shoot. It's called Maxytle, and will be featured in Korea. Was suppose to do another one today for the show KL Gangster but was way too tired.Didnt sleep for the past 24 hours. Today should be a little better, just finished studying and going for a karaoke session with friends later at Red box, Curve.

Mona.Vie

2010-07-07T18:34:00.002+08:00

What does Mona.Vie offer you?

Helps you take charge of your well being by providing essential goodness for your body.
Designed for easy absorption.
A refreshing addition to a varied and well rounded diet, which is an important part of a balanced lifestyle.
Freeze-dried açai preserves the value of the berry.
Helps you take charge of your well being by providing essential goodness for your body.
Designed for easy absorption.
A refreshing addition to a varied and well rounded diet, which is an important part of a balanced lifestyle.
Freeze-dried açai preserves the value of the berry.

for more info or purchase of this exquisite product email anyw24@hotmail.com , aando27@hotmail.com

thank you for your time to read this short list. For more detailed info on this amazing product view the web page below.

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Mona.vie is completely a pure fruit drink as one can see from the above chart.

Magazine shoot

2010-07-05T15:30:00.000+08:00

It was crazy and awesome all at once. We had awesome make-up artist and wardrobe all ready. The terrible part, it was raining and sunny all at once. Our make-up was running cause of the rain and all the sweat but the pictures didn't turn out so bad after all. :) The pictures will be featuring a magazine called Gorgeous in the early August issue. Check it out. :D

Baby boy.

2010-05-23T13:25:00.001+08:00

Baby, I see you in my dreams every night and you're always on my mind when I see something familiar we use to do together then I think back about how I neglected you, ignored you, argued and walked away from you. But somehow I'd always know we'd always be okay, you always sat on the left side of the bed in your room with your head in your hands. I'd call your name and you look up at me with those shimmering eyes and they're so blue and as I walk over to hug you from the back, you'd pull me over to sit on your lap, and end the fight with a kiss and just sleep in. But I took you forgranted, I wasn't faithful, I was just too blind to see how much you loved me. We were like a switch, on and off for the pass 3 years then suddenly when I finally knew I'd never find a man like you, I was already too late, I was already in a relationship with someone else, and you had given your heart away. I was so broken and regreted and now I knew how you felt.

So I couldn't face the shame and I turned my back on you. You begged me to stay by your arms but somehow I didn't, I couldn't. I felt too guilty. We didn't speak for months. But I always remembered, the vacations we had, the times we played around like kids, silly games, kissing in the sunset, sleeping in the back of your car by the beach. Nothing could compare to that, when it was you and me. One fine day, we met up, but the only thing we decided to do was argue about you cheating on me and me cheating on you. This time the argument was surreal, we knew there wasn't a turning back. For 3 years, I loved you but the words never came out of my mouth, maybe because you never said it too. We didn't make up this time as I saw you take off and before you left, you turned back and I saw those eyes I love to stare in at night, in so much pain and I know how much of a man he was to not want to show me his tears, but this time he couldn't hold it in, I saw his tears roll down his cheek and he was gone in a split second. Then next thing I knew the phone rang, and you got yourself in a terrible accident, I couldn't breathe and I dropped to the ground. I prayed it was all just a dream when I hit conciousness, and until today I still don't believe you're gone, I keep thinking you're alive somewhere avoiding me so I'd never break your heart again,baby, I miss you so much. I never got the chance to say I love you, from the core of my heart. When I found out you tattooed my name in love's purpose on your arm, I couldn't forgive myself. You're gone, but I can't accept the fact. I love you and my heart will only give pure love to you, boo.No one will ever take my heart away from you. I love you, forever and always.

Cheers to your favourite drink, sweetheart. Loving you always.

Nothing clearer.

2010-05-11T14:34:00.002+08:00

Life
begins when you know it's time to step up,

create a sort of aura around yourself ; sort of like a safety zone.

No one's going to walk out the door behind you anymore.

All they could say was time to grow up and make a difference in the

world, make a change, for you.

Then you'll walk out the door and prepare yourself,

for the biggest quest of your life.

Then as you walk on broken glass
the next time you will always

remember to put on your shoes. We take chances.

But we tend to forget vulnerability.

The form of being human.

The first and last step would

be the hardest but the process will be bitter sweet,

depending on the choices,

you make and the opinions you take.

One path way,

diverging into two.

What would you do when your life goes bad,

things go wrong,

nothing goes according to plan

you feel like giving up

breaking down.

Then just storming into the rain

to feel the cold water hit you to your knees,

then just lie there and watch you life slip away.

Will you

walk away, and leave it empty, speechless, lifeless?

Or would

you take a breath and walk,

not away but to think, then realize before it is too late,

to turn back as the wind blows across your face

for you to see that every mess can be cleaned up.

Take a seat, place a mirror infront of you. Close your eyes.

Take a breath, look at the reflection with your heart,

Look at yourself and be sure, you would be able

To stand tall, or at least, crawl till you're strong enough,

To walk again, to dash across the waves of the ocean.

Trust yourself and take the odds, cause you'll never know

It'll be too late.

Face the problem and take the circumstances,

even if it blows you in your face

and you tears you apart.

Find an aspect of this wind

to make it flow the right way,

to take it the right way and to bring out the beutiful,

part of you or someone you love and it may be,

the greatest achievement of all,

seeing someone you love,

overjoyed with tears on their cheeks
laughter in their eyes.

So when it all comes down to giving a little

saving a little

and push a little

it doesn't take so much anymore.

The least we could do in living in the world

of black and white,

is to put on a smile and forget

about the world cause by now

you should already know

what you critic and determine about you\

life is yours to hold not anyone elses,

in this evolving society,

to make ourselves happy,

and the ones we adore

we should just smile.

andreaalexis.<3

Finally 25th January.

2010-03-08T17:33:00.000+08:00

time to say goodbye.

2010-01-11T17:33:00.000+08:00

High school is finally over, finally graduated, so happy at first, everyone throwing up their graduation hats and now we sit and think back at all the stupid things we used to do and just plain being so silly and small fights being made gigantic to us. Playing in the rain and jumping into the pool and partying like it's our first. Although school started at such a young age, somehow people we love seem to be making new dreams and paths and you can see everyone slowly slipping away, while you know you'll be one of the last to leave and you look up at the plane flying off to another place, your eyes tear with water and thinking back at all those who left and now even more, the closeness once everyone had, disappeared into the sea and suddenly before you know it, it's the last make up and they're gone. It's a funny thing how we grow up as teens and just watching the memories go by and I'm thinking to myself, I'm pretty lucky to be the last to leave because I get to see every fading face and I just endure the moment. But the memory remains and small pieces of puzzles fits into your life and makes you everything you are today. For all the people who lost someone in any form, deaths or just distance, do you ever wonder why? is it so hard to say goodbye, when all it does is hurts. Well, it's the closeness despite it all. I love and miss you guys so much. xoxo

the boy next door.

2010-01-11T05:31:00.000+08:00

Like a freaking fairytale or a story book or even a movie, it felt so funny at first that I laughed till tears dropped to the ground, but also because I thought it was so cute and sweet. Just like kinder garden time. Little boys get crushed on girls and gives them hand picked flowers from the field and handy craft, well this boy wasn't like that. "Smack!!" Yeah! He's the kid who looks really tiny and innocent but beats the shit out of you, leaving blue black marks on girls he liked. Sigh. Playing sports together was really cute, as little kids swing each other and dance to "ring around the roses" or play pick-up sticks. Well this was different, football in evenings and being totally mean to each other, well lets just say this small tiny boy kicked a ball right to the girl's chest, she was asthmatic and fell to the ground on a stone, evil little boy just laughed cheekily. They had the same friends in common but never even bothered getting close like a typical boy meets girl kind of thing. Pop-ed collar T's and a hot ride, getting his game and playing by suicidal rules. Guess what? He grew up and became total... sigh! Just say caught the girls attention 3 years later, yeah! Same girl. They both played hard to get, made each other jealous and tried hurting each other, played by everything they knew, no one backed down, egoistic and a little too proud to drop nothing like dining with a new white Italian suit. They both mixed with similar people where the space on earth became too small, and details poured in about each other as our friends played their part. Seen at parties and on regular basis, but both still wouldn't make a sound, but when he finally did well, she was either too drunk or too far away to hear him or just plain being hard to get. But time and other people got involved and slowly well. As the set up went on, somehow she falls in love, with some other boy who tattoo's her name on his arm, but he is lost in some accidental fatal death. Well, she never thought her heart would open again, she's always been a little more than complicated when it came to relationships so standing still was never an option. The fact having pretty loads of bad experiences, love was not an option. But by then, the spaces between them grew and both dropped to a different play, nothing was left in this little small town, when only to realize she's lost everything she had and suddenly shot back up and while he was falling she pulled him back up, nothing more than mere friends, so they thought but the period of time they delayed just brought them so close together. The world is at chaos now, yet pretty safe if good aura is spread. Everything just fell into place so perfectly but the details remain a secret, nobody really knows why. Best part, now their crazily in love, a good nine years of acquaintance the path still falls in place and they bring out the best in each other.

note : if someone is meant to be yours, somehow by hook or by crook they will be yours.

nothing.

2010-01-06T23:58:00.000+08:00

do you ever feel like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, then you just remember all the littles pieces of misery you bury to deep lingers on your mind, but you try to fake a smile. Wearing a mask with no meaning at all, just seems to fade away as it slowly becomes my face. Maybe I'm falling too deep and comfortable with this empty feeling of losing the love of my life in the accident last year, regretting how I never had the chance to tell him how attracted I was to him and how every moment felt perfect. Then it lingers to other things like how it's like to walk into a house feeling like no ones home. Leading on to missing how things used to be when I had a bunch of really awesome friends, they slowly left overseas and I was stuck here due to the screw ups in the choices I made. I could have been in my dreamland, my paradise, but I'm stuck in a country where there isn't anything left for me. I wish I could just fall into a black hole, or hide under the blanket and never had to get out but after sometime it got really hot under there then I just realised read between the lines that I can't hide I might just sufficate under there. This emptiness never seems to go away, although I thought it did. As I tried to forget everything that has happened and the things I've been through I just can't seem to forget. I really can't believe how bad I am with relationships, I'm bored easily and I just turn so cold, never really fell in love with anyone, not anytime soon, I mean I love whoever I was in a relationship or being in now with but somehow some empty place in my heart never closed, always yerning for something more, something superficial, something my hands won't reach. I'm just praying, I get everything I prayed for with of course the effort and dedication but I'm praying so hard, I finally open my heart, seeing this guy around for 5 years fine, its nice we finally met, but I don't know I know I'm so in love when I'm super flying up on my emotion and mood but sometimes I sit and think, how I don't want to get serious anymore. I don't know. It's completely lonesome not having no body but completely inappropriate for me as I got so many things I always wanted to do, but made a few mistakes before that makes me delay my decisions and thoughts. Gah!! I wanna just drown into the water and wish I could be in a new world. It's absolutely tiring and frustrating, just channeling your thoughts and emotions to other things trying to keep things going... and looking at the bright side and you know its just not me, absolutely pessimistic and always looking behind the lines or out of the box or maybe just beating around the bush!!! Nahhh!!!!! Give me something to die for..I might just make the mask I wear my real self since the game is always up and pleasure fun is just turning into total chaos. Time to grow up, girl. Sigh. I hate this. Did I mention how life's a total bitch although its fun.. can't wait for something to sweep me off my feet.

Did it ever cross your mind?

2009-11-23T17:30:00.001+08:00

Falling so fast didn't know how far down I locked away my smile and padlocked my heart, then you came, like without breaking a sweat, you opened every door like it was never locked. You came and took my heart off the pedestal, where I stood alone and fearless. You gave me a reason to open my heart, and just be plain old me, no masks, no evil tricks up my sleeves. How did you do it? I don't know. All I know is, what I thought of you when I read your mind and what I thought of you when I saw you, made me turn my head, but I didn't know the guy that caught my eye was still in you and I just fell so hard, no guards no electrical wires around my heart. You remind me so much of me, and we have so much in common, makes things so much easier, without saying a word you know exactly what's on my mind. I'm amazed how much I love you, although we aren't together, already fells like we are, but I'm not in a rush for you to ask, cause I'm happy with everything we are now. You picked me up from the mess I made, cut your feet with all the glass I shattered on the floor, like some sort of night and shining armor prince. The fact remains, did it ever cross your mind, when you said you wouldn't fall for anyone here, I guess you were so wrong, and the games we played and the energy we exerted just to win, just made us both gain some sort of medal we didn't expect to get. "Killed two birds with one stone", no doubt. It's awesome how I can be me and just fall to the ground knowing you would be right be behind me catching my fall. You manage to sweep me off my feet, know all my secrets, and the best part, you understand everything I'm saying. My gosh, how I'm spinning around my room, hugging my pillow tightly, thanking God how you were here, even though a little too late to save me from the fall sometime ago, you made me collide and learn to make a sophisticated life out of this mess. The havoc doubled and I can't help but to fall for your every move.

note : andreaa fell in love
like on paradise island.

she fell in love.

2009-11-23T17:11:00.002+08:00

I like the way you sound in the morning,
we're on the phone and without a warning
I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard

I like the way I can't keep my focus,
I watch you talk you didn't notice
I hear the words but all I can think is we should be together

(chorus)
every time you smile, I smile
and every time you shine, I'll shine for you

whoa oh I'm feeling you baby
don't be afraid to jump then fall, jump then fall into me

baby, I'm never gonna leave you,
say that you wanna be with me too
cause I'm gonna stay through it all so jump then fall

well I like the way your hair falls in your face
you got the keys to me I love each freckle on your face, oh,
I've never been so wrapped up,
honey, I like the way you're everything I've ever wanted

I had time to think it oh-over and all I can say is come closer,
take a deep breath and jump then fall into me

(chorus)
every time you smile, I smile
and every time you shine, I'll shine for you

whoa oh I'm feeling you baby
don't be afraid to jump then fall, jump then fall into me

baby, I'm never gonna leave you,
say that you wanna be with me too
cause I'm gonna stay through it all so jump then fall

the bottoms gonna drop out from under our feet
I'll catch you, I'll catch you
when people say things that bring you to your knees,
I'll catch you
the time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry
but I'll hold you through the night until you smile

whoa oh I need you baby
don't be afraid please
jump then fall, jump then fall into me

baby, I'm never gonna leave you,
say that you wanna be with me too
cause I'm gonna through it all so jump then fall

jump then fall baby
jump then fall into me, into me

every time you smile, I smile
and every time you shine, I'll shine
and every time you're here baby, I'll show you, I'll show you
you can jump then fall, jump then fall, jump then fall into me, into me

On my way down.

2009-11-05T06:00:00.000+08:00

Living on the past that haunted me so badly for nearly five years and slowly it grew on me, letting it go seemed so hard at the moment but it all slipped away as your lips touched mine and your arms around me so safe and the warmth of your body just sipped into mine and I felt so alive, after being completely heartless and cold, not knowing of my actions you brought me back into the world and I could feel every inch of pain on my body, every emotion and laughter like no other. You gave me a reason to pick myself up completely and do the things I loved to do once, you support me and given me so much strength and courage to fight for the things I know is best. I blanked out at one point, like I didn't even know you, like we were two strangers, but when I held your hand and your lips touched mine, all the memories came back, and it all seemed so scary at first but I could only remember the warmth of lying down on your chest and the smell of your very tempting, woman-killer perfume, it was so irresistable. Your breathe on my neck and the words you whispered in my ears, with the tone of voice, you seemed too perfect to be real. I fallen so in love with you, but I can't seem to comprehand why, when you ask me, all I can utter is I dont know. But somehow inside of me, its the way you hold yourself, your bravery and confidence, the comfort I feel around you, and the way you lay my head onto your shoulder, when I'm down the motivation you give me, at the most helpless times, you have pulled me up from a pit which I thought had no end. Like giving me the air I breathe. When I'm with you time passes by like mere seconds and you just sweep me off my feet, you bring out the best of me and make me feel so wanted and important. The way you make me feel, like everything is beautiful. You seem to be my everything. I love you.

when a storm comes dont dwell on it, just go dancing in the rain.

2009-10-19T16:35:00.000+08:00

Everyone tries to be heartless and pretend to feel nothing at all but deep inside everyone is still human after all. Putting on a mask, running away from the problems as far as you think you can and lashing out anger in inhumane ways. I took the risk before and went down the most terrifying roads, it's like walking down a dark, creepy alley and you don't know who's or what's hiding in the corner. Something else, never give up or let go of something while it's still there, cause everyone needs to hold on to something, or they'll fall for anything, good or bad, it might destroy them. I've stopped trying to be heartless and cold, but only so clearly I can see a path which doesn't look too convincing to me. I gave up on the most important thing in a persons life but at the end of the day, it still only comes down to you and you alone, nothing else matters. I still cry in regret, because it was so easy to tell the world, but so hard to tell myself, when all I really want is to hear those three words and to be held like the little girls in the park and their daddy's. Not much time in my hands to fix what I'm missing, the sins caught up and it's just going to fall infront of me to my depts I will drop beside helplessly crying, yes am in still deep regret, I know it isn't trying, it's so hard to be done, but so easily said. I'm not a person who's very close to family, but if they need me I'll be there and I'd find away to be there, but they can't see what I'm doing for them and they think I can't see what they're doing for me. This family has given up everything to support people around us, to help people that aren't even thankful nor grateful for anything, till the point we forgot about ourselves and stranded out each others hearts to other things, keeping busy, keeping away from all the pain we feel inside, the empty lonely rooms and spaces just passing by. By far, I'm spending most of my time with friends and some how I am losing interest and missing my old lifestyle and friends, but I don't think I can go back in that far, afraid I'd fall back into my old demented self again which was so reluctant to feel anything at all, so I'd rather play on the safety grounds till I'm ready to see how they changed and how well my will power is. By now, I'm splitting myself in different directions, this group, that group, here and there, just slowly drowning in my own hole but this time I'm bringing some form of light with me to keep me secure on my actions. And I finally made my choice of who I'm staying with in this time of phase I'm going through, yes, I love him and I picked him, whatever choices I've left behind, with everything I do, I promise to draw my limits, and step back, a card game layed out and finish, skipping this next few rounds and just being there, with a heart but I'm afraid, the heart is just so far, deep, broken and gone, if to find out, I'm gambling this whole thing, trying to love someone with emotions, and commitment. Life's a gamble.

walking back on broken roads.

2009-10-18T14:32:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOwuu0UQdiY

As I sprawled across the floor yesterday, lost sense of direction, hope and constantly thinking of all the terrifying things flashing pass me like it was my last moment, felt so alone and couldn't feel anything more, like a normal reaction, just fell to the ground on my knees and hugged my knees while trying to hold back the pain and tears, but it kept on coming, ended up I was lying on the floor, as if being stabbed and lying in a pool of blood, it was my own tears, feeling like no one can help me now, the people around me kept calling and texting me, trying to check up on me, knowing me the last time I was like this I fell from grace and was in horrendous state, feeling so confused, didn't want to speak to anyone, but did anyway, had to get out of the house, but it's so hard, to walk out everyday, and put on a fake smile, 'so busy out there, so lonely inside.' Had to pull myself together, cause a light bulb just popped in my head and common sense started rushing in my veins, ' get up' and ' you're stronger than this' with that, I just got up, got in the shower and poured my heart out to some of my very depressing songs and ironicly it was also raining at the time, home alone made things worst. Couldn't do this to myself, I thought, so just got out, got dressed and drove out, went out with a friend and tried to hard to pretend I was find and trying to not detail anything at all, went an caught a movie and just ate and tried on clothes and act like an idiot, but somehow doing all the above got me back up a little, then went to a friends house, she really surprised me and made me a little bit emotional, she remindes me so much of my bestfriend, the personality and the way they hold themself, she's pretty awesome for someone I got to know and figure about a little more in one day or so. The break down made me think, put me back in position, I spoke to my technical boyfriend, I told him, about for 6 months now I have been my old self and just being a bitch, but the break down made me have a wake up call, and I realize, I can't hide behind playing cards and breaking hearts, so I told him, with my heart I said this ' maybe you could be what I need to make me stop' because there's just something about his eyes that says so much but so hard to explain. Then again, I'm taking a risk and it's a chance I'm taking on myself and him, but there's a little part of me that has certain attraction but I told him straight to his face ' I'm not cheating' and I wont. No one can help me but myself and I know now, that the break down made me feel like I'm... human. All this time I been living heartless and cold for the 6 months but enough is enough, I dont deserve this. For those who knows what I been through in my past, you guys understand, and thank you for always being around for me. Andrea is learning to walk again.

just collapsed.

2009-10-17T15:54:00.000+08:00

Since the break I told myself " fuck relationships" they hurt and break you instantly and I said I was just going to not care anymore and the world was going to be my play ground, for the past 6 months I've been doing so, breaking hearts and pulling baits but now that I told myself I want to stop this cause I made a mess of this, my emotions are juggling around for so many people and being around so many is just making things real difficult to for me to breathe in a safety zone, afraid of being caught, maybe I used to play my cards right for all this time, but the one guy to sweep me off my feet made me change, after some time I threw the cards on the table and just gave up playing the game. But when karma hit me all in one shot witht the guy I loved entirely with my heart, I hated love, jaded and destroyed I just wanted to rebel against everything he did, everything but knowing I was once a card player to deserve this, too much in pain and regrets I just struck back and didnt care for anything or anyone at all. My outside is just another mask I need to carry on daily lives when I just know my iniside has been locked away and no one can ever entre under my account. I met someone just like me, every move and every step he took, I knew he understood me, and all the words just came out, then I had to stop and think, because I was already falling for him, but I knew something was so wrong and he made me think and open some small part of me, reminding me how much I loved someone, and how much playing cards hurts the opposite side, I didnt like the feeling so why should I do it to someone else, the feelings came rushing back in, and I just collapsed on the bed room floor feeling like I was alone in this world, feeling like there is just me and no one else and how much I want for him to know how much I miss and loved him from the deepest of my heart, they asked is your heart locked away because you're not over him or you're waiting for him, honestly I don't know anymore, I'm confused and just so lost touch with everything, I'm lost and I can't seem to find the way out, but I'm not planning on giving up, but now my emotions are unstable and I just can't breathe around this air anymore.

high on life.

2009-10-16T06:39:00.001+08:00

Sophisticated and content with being alive and living it to its fullest trying hard to not regret a single thing. Been spending loads of time getting to know new people and socialising with the world, been digging lots of general knowledge about the world too, studying of course seeing that my finals are in one month and one day from now, hoping it all pays off, successfully suceeding to do so. Aiming for 8 above credits and passing two of my worst subjects in the world, history, which is utterly boring in modern teenage life and economics which is hard to understand the fact it is also in a language I suck at and bores the shit out of me. Mom wants me to start college in January, well dont really want to bum around too much or I'll just delay everything else, knowing me. Slowly am picking up back everything I threw away in my pass highschool years, no regrets and no complaints but it's just something I really want to straighten out, such as my timing for studies, social life and family and some little other things. Conclusion, studies and future here I come and a long way with that, mass communication is about a four year course and one year SAMS in Taylor's Hartamas next year. Gah! Time passes so fast seeing my little baby brothers all grow up and start reaching puberty, yikes! Using their computer isn't safe anymore, repeat, my eyes are burning! Getting a Hyundai Tucson next week and also allowance has been cut, but it isn't so bad, cat eyes always works on mommy =). Met someone that read me like a book, it's pretty cool, we're alot alike and have the same more or less kind of perspective on life and how we see things and such. Friends are one of the best things that has happened to me and been there for me through it all, although all friendship has its ups and downs, can't wait till after SPM, me and my favourite girls are going to prom together and going to have our own little girls night out, yes, my dear friend is coming back from Australia in December, it's going to be a blast. Friends are planning trips here and there so hahha butterflies going to fly out of my purse. Been dating this guy for about two weeks now, it's complicated, as you know, I'm super messy when it comes to all this kind of thing, yes I am not good with stress and pressure. Still clinging on though, to the past memories but recently been thinking about the good ones and had a blast laughing about it, yes, envy people, I had the best time of my life for two years with one of the most awesomest guy I ever met, although it ended sobre and depressing. This is crazy, it's 6.39 in the morning, and I'm off to bed. Nights. =)

History repeats itself.

2009-10-08T03:53:00.000+08:00

Yes, the drama is all starting over again, like it ever stopped, some how drama always finds it's ways back to me, talk about fate. So recently after the last incident with my other group of friend, I just blurred out of the picture, haven't seen some of them in ages, but still do see some around. Kind of miss them thinking about it, but we're still friends. Reason of fading into the back ground was cause there was too much drama and couldn't take it, did my part and tried to make things out but the rest was out of my reach. Started hanging back with my old friend and well things are okay now, given up fighting and war so I guess the water is still right now. Then slowly, I've built up some feelings for this guy in some other group, groups and their problems and well, just recently I been hanging with him more, getting to know him better, then it suddenly seemed like I lost track of my old friend and her group, I don't want anyone to think I'm ditching for a guy, no. I'm not I'm just trying to get to know him better, and well, since the last few months were pretty hard on me, I'm slowly getting by, not to say it doesn't hurt completely, it hurts when I think back of the betrayal and lies, not so much of the breaking up part anymore. The thing is now, this guy here, no not the one I have feelings for, makes me confused, he always seems so moody and pessimistic, leaving me speechless. I'm stuck in a dilemma. Anyway, about this guy I like, the emotions are kicking in again and now I feel afraid and stuck, jaded by love, afraid of the consequences of a relationship and getting hurt, scares me but a risk I'd take if I find it worth it. This might be another incident like the last time, since everyone has so much to say about the guy I like, so yeah. I'm also afraid of the fact, I might not be able to put my heart into it, as I don't even know how far I am from falling in love so deep again. Don't want to hurt anyone in the process of me picking myself up from scattered pieces. Till then, I'm still going with the flow. =D

A heart as a yoyo.

2009-10-03T04:17:00.000+08:00

Somehow, I been pretty okay since the last time I blogged. Although I played my old playlist and there was hell alot of emo songs, I just seem to fall into the mood, but not go mellow dramatic on it and start thinking of stupid things and flip my world upside down. It's a pretty good feeling to just lay there, sprawled across the bed, looking out the window and it's a nice day and just thinking back at everything, how much the bitterness is only at its peak. Gah! What the hell, no one promised anyone a rose garden or a bed of roses anyway. Although so, I been rather jumpy and hyper alot at times, one of the days was cause of the overly pyscotic way I ate chocolate, but the other days was something real, so yeah, maybe, maybe not that I'm slowly learning to let go, knowing I was pretending and mezmerizing on something that didn't even exist to begin with. I think I'm falling for someone though, and well, it's a nice feeling since the last incident didn't turn out quite satisfying. Knowing so, he is like a walking turnado, sweeps you off your feet and completely misjudge, the last thing I expected from him, but then again, now I'm hanging by the moment, is it me or is it real? The things I'm hearing, is making me think, but putting me in a sticky situation, it's hard to comprehend or mould anything out of it, there's always this crazy battle between my heart and my mind, gah! They sure make things complicated. I don't know what to feel but all I know is, I haven't felt like this is a long time, okay fine not that long, but it's been sometime and well, I like it. Hmm alot of doubts and complications, and I'm thinking too much again. Yes, very me to go to deep and start assuming things hoping for the worst all the time, but I guess when the worst comes it doesn't feel so bad since there was no hope to break or anything for a fact. It's been crazy, got my license and getting my car later in the morning. Been driving quite abit but the thrill of it just swept away when I got the legalism to do so. Hmmm no more fun but it's better now except that I have been an exceptional driver for the family. Dad going off overseas as usual, and mommy just growing older and grumpy and slightly more pms-y. Menopause coming, I'm screwed and the two devils seem to be growing up too, thinking about it, time passes by so fast and there's just not enough hours to do the million and one things I want to do. Everything seems slightly steady now, all I'm stressing on is my studies and future, a little here and there on family and friends, but those are merely a dust in my life since everyone isn't perfect, loving them the way they are is all I can do but I do get my irritations and moodiness on regular basis. Love is a beautiful thing, it is, I'm just wondering if I can open my heart and just fall for someone again, I mean I am at the moment falling for someone but I'm afraid of the consiquences of emotions and the mess it causes in time. Maybe I'm being pessimistic but based on the last relationship I had, not to say I have any regrets but how it cuts is pretty scary, but I already am into someone, I wouldn't say love, but it's all blooming into something I hope I predicted wrong, drama. Although so, I am still going with the flow and this guy somehow, I feel comfortable around and just plain me. Reminding myself though, I am still going with the flow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgNjn9V_IKw

just fuck everything.

2009-09-29T02:53:00.000+08:00

don't know and don't care.

andreaa has just collapsed.

2009-09-29T02:43:00.000+08:00

put a gun to my heart and another to my head.

just make it stop.

at war with my heart.

2009-09-29T02:28:00.001+08:00

Boom! Bang! Bomb! There goes my patience and my heart. Yes, it's been some time now, and I can't comprehend how we ended up this way. Recently, you've been a lot in my eyes, and my heart but it crashes down on me, blind hope and meaningless words with no actions. Thinking over and over again, a lie it looks like you hide and I just couldn't be bothered anymore, and my emotions take control of my every move. Checking up here and there, you seem to be around, but I'm standing still and you are washing away. Loving someone with no meaning, just being deep and painful, I know, I have to let you go. Forcing myself has only cause me to drown in my own world and it was a total failure. Time will be passing as it slowly fades away. Never felt this feeling before, it's something new and different so I guess I could bear to long summer without a single drop of water, like a drought just waiting for a rain that will never come. Slowly, I watch you slip away, as your words ' I loved you' slice pass my naive heart, I watch everything fade into a black hole. Realizing, it's so easy to fall in love, but so hard to fall out of it, maybe problems, we sat on them and pretend it didn't exist caused havock in this mutual feeling. Accepting you were gone, just like an adrenaline rush, the thrill faded into the mist. Then to know, it's all just the beginning and worst yet to come, embracing the harsh wind, I'll find a way back into my santuary and somewhere I can rest my heart without a single splinter. The memories cherished, but the love meaningless. I will walk away, all in mere time, you will just be a chapter in my life time story book.

♥

2009-09-20T15:31:00.002+08:00

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies, where a kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous."

Season 1.

I met you a thousand times before, I've seen you play games and win, I watched your body move as you walked on by but recently some weight you've put on but it made you all the more adorable. I could have swore I never took notice all this while. You give me some sort of smile that makes me think " he's so cute ". And the way you wink and flip your hair cause it's in your face makes me melt to the ground. When you dress casual with shorts and T you already make heads turn but when I see you dress for an occasion, I turn away to melt cause you don't see or feel how I feel. There was once when we were quite consistent on conversations, but then it all started fading and I myself knew what I was getting into. Falling for someone who's heart is in another persons arms would end in a disappointing cliche of love. But taking the risk to love you when I knew my heart wont let me move when I know you don't know how I feel. It's been some time now but somehow you still linger and dreams of you counter my thoughts of letting go. You walk by me like we never met, and it kills me to know, all I am to you was an acquaintance.

Season 2.

An athlete and a fooser. Saw you some time before but only as a "hello and goodbye". But this time, we spoke and exchanged numbers. You were my team mate and it was fine at first didn't put much thought into it but there was some thought. We were excited and yelling out as we played a friendly match and everything was cool. It somehow felt like I was side by side playing with an old partner. You had the most awesome shots seen and finding holes was your game. But I was told you were two different people when playing friendly matches and tournaments. I wanted to see how good you were. You have this face that looked like a friend of mine at some angles but your body was perfectly fitted and it was just nicely shaped with trisepts showing I couldn't resist to look. They said you didn't go to the gym it's all from swimming. How I wanted to just fall into those strong arms and melt. He asked me for a movie and lunch the next day but I woke up late so missed it but it all seemed too fast to be true. And well, I had something to do the next day so I told him I'd get back to him, but never did. Don't know what my next move should be anymore. Still contemplating this feeling inside. After that day, you didn't text me, my friends said he's either being sensitive you said no or cause he's playing hard to get. Well it's his move. Not mine. Thinking it through twice now. But he just seems like everything I want in a guy, but some how the sparks just isn't there. Maybe not yet.

Season3.

Got close to this guy recently and well, he is quite a hand full. But we been spending a lot of time smsing and the occasionally outings together. He loves to play around with me and makes this really cute face or you can say like to act cute, it's cute alright. He's a little bit 'lala' but he hates the fact we call him that. He lets me drive his car all the time =D and that's a plus side. He's a fooser too and my biggest turn on, he drives fast with fast cars. He's really funny and a littl weird but I guess it's what keeps me laughing. He gave me duit raya :) eventhough I didn't go to his house and well, I don't know there's just something about him I like, well there's always something about guys I like but never seem to figure out why or what. Problem discovered but not solved as you can see.

p.s : Seems like there is three different people I like, but my heart only seems to want ~~one~~. Yes, I still ~~love you.~~

this is now.

2009-09-19T15:57:00.000+08:00

Let's put it this way, the drama is not worth my tears and I'm tired of doing this, I'm tired of caring too much and always trying to keep people smilling and clear the air, yes it helps them but it backfires on me, since so I have decided not to bother about people so much anymore and just do what I do cause people keep misunderstanding everything I do. I confronted my friend because I didn't like what he said to you about me, I didn't do that to screw you up side down or what not, that was not my intentions. Well I'm sorry I wanted this to end but I cant take this nonsense, friends backstabbing each other, betraying, and what so ever you like to call it, so you tried to be the middle person but in the end I was in the middle and I take the fall when all you had to do was walk away. Then I try to talk to you and you just blow off on me. I bet you didnt even know I talked to him and tried to make him understand knowing neither of us did wrong but since everyone's screw is too tight. No one here is to blame, but everyone here doesn't seem to care at all. I'm just going to go with the flow and follow my heart. Definitely not hanging around an empty room.

http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jordin_sparks/this_is_my_now.html

p/s : always misunderstood.

Goodmorning World! ;D

2009-09-19T15:23:00.000+08:00

Hello =), major hang over feeling running through my veins. And super hungry for cheese baked oysters. No I'm not pregnant thank you.well so yeah i woke up 8 hours later, surprised? Well I am havent woken up at such proper time in a while. Ahhh glory to the holidays. I should go have a shower about soon and go yam cha with my friends, but lazy bones. Andreaa really wants to watch the new movies. Well I should still be asleep by now, but the phone never fails to wake me up so yeah. Going to the shower soon. =)

the start of the holiday.

2009-09-19T05:03:00.001+08:00

Beginning of the holiday was on thursday night, finished exams and such. Went breakers with Jasmine and met up with some friends then went to Joe's to shisha and makan, the murtabak there was awesome but somehow got full on the nasi lemak then continued playing cards till about nearly 4am and slept about 6. Well nothing much that night but tonight(friday) was a bomb, played foosball like hell today and am entering mix doubles with a friend, too caught up in foosball now ahha and then went to BK for awhile then met up with Colin and all then went to RSC to drink. Not long after went up to Oval and drink more all together total about more than 12 jugs of beer i think and some shots and 4 or 5 bottles of hard liquir. Didnt have dinner at that time so was pretty high and plus playing card games killed us all in one go but Ron still had the worst ahha. Som KO and others were still standing but everyone puked except me heheh. Som couldnt stop laughing and it was so contagious we all laughed the whole night long, some russel peters thing going on with all of them and a guy from australia came down, Buddy we call him, his accent is so strong hahah and we called him kangaroo the whole night. Worst part, we played catching with his phone and it dropped god knows how many times just now. May Lyn and me were hungry the whole night and finally went to devi's to eat but realizing that when we ate we just couldnt start hah. the alcohol killed our bodies so bad. but had fun, havent hung out with them in some time and plus got to drive Ron's manual car... ahahha preparing for the real shit ;p. pictures are up on facebook. god knows what hell of a day ill be having tmw. azuri and gang wanna go bar celona. but had quite alot of drinking. gah! see what tmw brings.ttfn. xoxo, andreaa.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA & HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

2009-09-17T17:18:00.003+08:00

just finished trials and feeling great! did a 7 page essay gahh! hands are practically shaking now ;p but still manage to type haha.. and well raya is near and well get to see all my cousins and eat my aunty's rendang chicken!!! yummy and duit raya! ahahahha! finally all my cousins will be back and family will be gathering at my aunts open house looking forward to it.. going to be fatt :( alot of open house coming up ;p... hahaha but yes holidays are here and got some stuff planned out.. getting license 28th this month :D car car car... correction range rover!!!:D wheeeee... cant wait.. spm soon :( but yeah.. pretty much been preparing hehe.. hmmm had lunch with egg head, vern jin and princess jasmine just now hahaha... we did some pretty weird things but for us to know and u will never find out ;p..hmmm going yam cha with nelson and shisha with jasmine and foosball soon :P.. all the problems finally ended sort of... my and my x are friends and things are great... miss him a lil though and well spoke to an old friend.. sort of ... just commented on his pm and well its good that the war had ended between everything... just some glitches to patch up soon.. hmmm yeah alil more... well im glad and a lil less stress now :D selamat hari raya maaf zahir dan batin and happy holidays everyone :D byeeeee...TTFN!

andreaa is feeling on top of the world :D

2009-09-16T02:26:00.000+08:00

fill me up.

2009-09-16T02:04:00.001+08:00

the air is clear finally and the drama has come to an end. the truth came out and it wasnt a pretty truth. you(my friends) should know me by now that i hate drama and some how drama finds its loving way to me. and you know how i hate the awkwardness and weird feeling i get. it pisses the shit out of me and i will find some way to confront it and end it. i didnt know it was going to be this bad but fine, everything does happen for a reason and well, im supposing everything will be fine soon. but for now im going to need some time. a wise friend of mine told me, now will be the best age and time for you to grow out of this and make wise choices, choosing your friends, and setting out your priorities. some times i know i think too much till i make myself more stressed out and pressured, but things are just the way things will be. i finally spoke and caught up with an old friend. things look better now. and finally no more fights, and war. thank god. i guess all everyone needed was some space to grow. i decided to give myself some space too. so that is that. i just need some time to think things over and get back on track again, realizing this yeah has brought many different challenges and such. and well yes, i still like him but am getting no were. been trying to give up since he is going for someone else and yeah.. the more i try.. nah backfiring on me. so just waiting till the feeling fades. i keep having dreams of him. gah! and hahaha 2 more weeks to bloody driving exam.. *cross fingers* ill pass and get my car!!! :D

and yes, the happy go lucky andreaa is picking up again. so hello :D

battlefield ; life.

2009-09-13T03:09:00.002+08:00

dear diary,
It's been some time since i last blogged and since the last time i blogged, things haven't been any easier for me. Exams has been going on for 2 weeks now and next week will be the last and public holiday for a week then school then another trials in October. Been stressing out a lot recently over my studies. for the past 2 weeks been at Yipee Cup, Mont Kiara just studying everything. Been smoking alot more and havent been having a very healthy lifestyle. All the pressure is kicking in to the studies. at first i wasnt serious at all about my education and wanted to start college late, but now i realized i should play a fool anymore. I'm now planning to use my trials and get into January intake and just do SAM as my pre-university. Then in 2011 head off to Australia. Other than that, family has been good, well I'm never home most of the times but looks better now although no one really communicates but at least the war had ended for now. It's something to look forward to when I come home on days where I feel like exploding. Having no boyfriend has been a lot easier on me, no more unwanted stress. But on the other hand, I miss the one who once was around, he understood me, loved me and was everything. But those are just lingering memories and I've learnt to live with. Tired of searching for a boyfriend, just going to wait till the right one comes along. Things been so complicated since Genting Highlands, and well things are awkward, pissing off and just plain immature. This guy is claiming and assuming and talking shit and he doesn't even know how it hurts but seriously, people keep telling me he means well and everything but he doesn't know how to show it. Well then, this is the 3rd time he did this and the millionth time he caused me so much discomfort. I just dont want to care about these people anymore. Other than him, are some of my other friends, there's just too much conflict and I just give up, hands down they can have it all. But to me, people like that mean nothing. I know I got a few good friends and I'm happy with that, these are outsiders who claim to know me and judge me and say things to make themselves look good. Gah! The backstabbing, hypocrites and everything well good for you then. And well, finally, he learnt to let me go, but it was just weird the way I know he wanted me to find out and all round kind of pissing off. If he wanted me to know, he should have just told me. But we dont even talk no more. So there goes one thing less to worry about. Basicly, I been thinking alot and although no names are mentioned and the words ' he, she, you, them, it ' is used alot. If they read it they know it's about them or some part that I did not detail that they know about. Basicly I been thinking alot all my life and did alot of stupid things that I should regret but dont. Instead I learnt alot of different and new things. Family has been better although there arent much communications and educations has been mentioned, friends well, friends come and go and we meet new people but there are some special people in my heart. Thinking about the future too, hmmm it's all in God's hands but yeah I got some things planned out and thought about some stuff. And I think I like a guy that I just want to try and stop because, he's just not who I thought he was at all. Forget it. But today was great. Went out with the people I can mingle with and some how have same thoughts and understanding as me and we can get along. We made a pit stop at the beach before heading to our destination and it definitely cleared my mind. Anyway eyes are burning. Goodnight. Update soon. TTFN.
love, andrea.

music is medicine.

2009-09-01T16:38:00.002+08:00

this time i decided to close my eyes and walk away. the last thing that affected me real bad was friendship, broke me down after a long time. being confronted with mixed words from both parties of my friends, one says this another says that, but i'm the middle where i heard both sides are backstabbing me and such, the thing is these two different people have issues with each other for what ever reason it should not involve me. but i did become a little buyers after a while listening to all this everyday i guess i just couldn't take it anymore and i just broke down. i was told how my best friend spoke about me and brought up some past stories and it opened some old wounds but the truth is only we knew what really happened and how it affected us and being told i was being backstab by one of my bestfriends of five years, i guess everyone just have different thoughts and we can't force them to change them but accept them for their flaus. and on the other side, the didnt click well for their own personal reasons but in the end i became the middle person, torn between two i have to split myself around and its not easy when things get too sensitive. but the truth to be told, i'm standing neutral now and i have no say, i will listen but its time to just let you guys handle the problem yourself, i'm just going to be complex and fluctuate the way i do but fact is i patched it up with my bestfriend and my other friends, but there is alot of stories still going around but i'm just closing my ears and opening my heart. other than that, went to genting for the holidays for one night with friends and well it isnt as cold as it used to be, weather has changed drasticly. its really sad. in genting we played cards and the drinking game. things got complicated when my friend confessed to me, in an unexpecting way that made me so shocked i fell apart when my mind started running and the alcohol got the best part of my emotions. yes, the truth hurts but i'm not forcing love, it's suppose to happen naturally. well, i got super wasted cause i didnt know what to do or how to face him, we didnt talk for days but recently we did again and well, its just general now, but things been really different. spoke to one of my close friends whom i use to sort of date, well we spoke out openly and we both just missed a chance and after that talk i felt kind of sad cause now he's into someone else and so am i, and we're bestfriends, so yeah, but merdeka he was there and we drove around in my friends car, talked and smoked and just relaxed. we actually went to see fire crackers at bukit tunku but we were facing the back so we could only see abit. well, 31st august. dead and gone, now is just another holiday so yeah.. went back to friends house to drink then well i didnt feel like drinking so i just chilled in few different cars of my friends and just listened to music and drive around. after that played a game of speed, lost so had to down one cup and since i was hungry i got high. then just chilled with friends till 6 then went home and sleep till next day. trials started today 1st september, well exams for 3 weeks then taking driving license, get my range rover. got it all planned out ehhe. then well hmmm, now im planning a schedule for my daily use till SPM then next years is a whole new schedule. hmm well thinking of it, 3 months to graduation and prom and highschool is over, we're all planning road trip and stuff so yeah.. can't wait just a few more months of struggling then freedom till college.. hmmm its like when i think back and i remember how mischevious and cheeky i been during highschool times, the rules i broke, the stupid things i did and how everything was a game, starting to grow out of that already. serious times are coming, parents are putting alot of responsibitlity on me being the oldest and parents are getting old so yeahh.. i can say highschool, i made a lot of mistakes and done alot of stupid things but i would say i gained alot of new experiences with no regrets. now waiting for a new chapter. well basicly i just wrote a book all about my friends, family and studies and future, now the last part, how my love life has just been flat and dull, well it isnt so bad after all. i got alot of things to do and i'm not happy nor sad to be single its a neutral thing, but i do have someone in mind and well there's someting different about him, he's not like any of the guys i ever met but i know he likes someone else and well, this year has taught me some pretty weird things about love i never knew.. my first heart break, my first love, how karma works, and how a guy feels when the girl just doesn't understand. i dont know how guys can chase a girl till he gets her but i respect them for that, it's really hard and now i know how all my past boyfriends and such feel. ouch! but i definitely learned something new.

i was afraid to talk to you
but now that i spoke to you
i was afraid to know you
but now that i know you
i'm afraid to like you
but now that i like you
i'm afraid to love you
but now i know,
i cant have you.

LOLLIPOP. <3

waking up to an empty room.

2009-08-20T16:36:00.004+08:00

sunken into my imagination, i started thinking how things have changed so much. for the pass few days i was thinking myself in my room on my bed how everything was always seemingly perfect. it was all about my boyfriend and i, just us. like a pair never seperated. but now i stand on my own, as my own person, he is his own person. its not us anymore, its you and its me, two different people who once crossed paths. thats all i can remember it as. but no doubt i miss everything we had but even if i could change back time right now, i wouldnt give it for anything at all because so many things have occured that we just cant be us anymore. just two individuals. then i started feeeling really low and wanted to talk to someone but i realized, how my bestfriends were so far away right now. one is in aussie, another moved from desa and another hangs out with other people and its all of us doing our own thing. and they use to be the one i confide in, but so much has changed and i just been bottling up my emotions. its just not like me to just pour my heart out to just anyone, so im just lingering. we're all growing up and need space to grow so yeah thats fine so do i. but the thoughts and memories seem like it was just yesterday we were in kingergarden playing catching or swimming in puddles on mud. time had passed so fast and few months down the road everyone will be doing their own thing and going to different places and new goals. its the part where we realize that we're out of the nest, alone in this world. growing up, parents growing old, moving to overseas and such. i woke up to an empty room one day, and all these things was running on my mind, the life challenges and its experiences. no regrets. but sometimes i just miss the moments, when everything was innocent and no one really bothered about where you came from or what you wear, all that matters was you. there's been some problems between friends but im just fluctuating and splitting my time for everyone, i love the people that mean most to me and i dont want to have to choose. the pressure is building up and im just trying to chill. everyone has their different "channels" but i cant be bothered anymore. friends are friends and life goes on.

can you feel the pressure, it's getting closer now!

what happened to her? zombified.

2009-08-17T01:24:00.004+08:00

friday was pretty slow. went swimming at ryan's apartment. but it started raining. it was freezing. but we swam anyway. han yao, ryan, john, mh, chun kit, rach and me. usual thing. then went for dinner at new seafood. then me and rach went off to joe's and has some shisha and met up with some people. waited to go clubbing with nelson and all. had a real bad stomach ache. waited for faris which took a long time then went to changkat KL at about nearly twelve thirty. started drinking. i was super hungry. so i had some sips of alcohol and a shot and was out. there was a lot of alcohol that night. went to the dance floor. the music there isnt very clubbing its more like a chill out place. then after that we rounded up everyone and went to devi's to chill then went back. usual me. didn't sleep till last minute. saturday was well i woke up 3 hours later so thats about 11 am and went off for brunch at sunway then to the mtv worldstage. did alot of waiting running around finding the right entrance. then it started raining so me and elle was sweaty and wet, ok sounds weird but yes. concert started at six we stayed through out the whole thing. pictures on facebook. got some goodies and got passes to the after party and partied with the celebrities. but was kind of wasted. free flow of alcohol so yeah. after that we had our own few after parties and went off bout 7 am and looked for hotel with adney and stanley till 8 something and got a room. played a card game and there was more alcohol. then went off back to curve at three in the afternoon and got another cab back home. slept for 3 hours of so. dad was pissed and mum just being cranky then went to breakers to blow off some steam then went back then went back out to see mh and all. well i made this very general but basicly in 72 hours i was awake for 68 hours. 4 hours of sleep in three days. no more this ends tonight. i could barely walk and was so tired till i hit the point where i couldnt sleep. but now i am going to sleep. so good night everybody. andreaa is over and out.

comprehensive.

2009-08-14T13:40:00.003+08:00

feelings.
the colour of the word feelings says it all doesn't it. well what i can say is that, recently i been like this snail. everytime i feel danger is aproaching me or i feel some kind of negative vibe i tend to hide in my shell ; pull away from people or just get really irritated by it. i slowly tend to bottle up more things. for those who seen me at my best and worst would know what i mean, i dont speak much about anything but mostly general stuff now. maybe its a good thing too. cause in the past years that i had no secrets and trusted my friends. it all kind of back fired on me. well, now im full of secrets. but my lips are sealed. getting in deeper. well recently 'the phone call' didnt hurt as much as it used to but i did feel the urge or saying baby and saying how much i miss you but then think of it. i start to reflect you and wanting to disappear. but i know my heart lingers your name some where in that little part i saved for you. but thats just me maybe, you said you loved me and i said i loved you too. but i dont know why those mere words came out so suddenly. even i was shocked. but yes. i am taking tiny steps away from this. moving on, me and this guy once had a thing but it ended about 2 months ago now. well we used to be super close and bestfriends. but now i find it hard to talk to him or trust anyone with anything. it's sometimes a little awkward with him. and lunch just isnt the same anymore. well after all that happened. its just hard to look at the person the same way you know what i mean. its like were just two aquaintances. some sort of thing like that. but for now. im not looking for anyone to come around. taking a good break. 5 years of commitment. heres my time out. i mean well 3 years with one guy and 2 with another. after that had a few trial and error but just not so into it anymore. i mean who doesn't love romance but relationships are too corny for me. (no offense people this is just for my opionion based on my experience.) i mean if the right one does come along then i'll be the time again. but now im not scouting. im awaiting :). friends been on the go. and so has family. little brothers are still pain in the asses but well. dad's getting new car and suprisingly said to me he wanted me to get my license so i could test drive my own car. everyone seems to be in reall tip top shape and mood. the fact malaysian weather had increased by 7 degrees since 2001 and people still smiling while melting away. feeling the pressure for exams that are coming up on 1st Sept and SPM on the 15th November. havent studies at all. my basics are out and so are my form 5 subs. im dead meat. but other than that, my feelings are more stable now. so im fine :) but once in awhile i do get my breakdowns. but i am keeping my head high. :D

goals.
x. get my range rover.(yes, my dad keeps changing his price range so im fluctuating too.)
x. finish up my exams and just cross my fingers.
x. get a part time job. (probably some PR work and entertainment jobs.)
x. get accepted into college
- foundation in arts in Taylors College Puchong. (yes, the new campus with the lake.[2010])
- get into mass communication. majoring in Public Relations (PR) - Degree.
x. move to Australia. Melbourne. and get singed into college there.

well basicly my main goals. of course family and friends, etc does not need to be part of goals they're my ambition :)

highlight of the day.
andreaa has two friends in her room snoozing away. yeap. they're snooring haha! ttfn. :)

notes.

2009-08-13T16:44:00.003+08:00

friday
having lunch tomorrow with friends :)
EST tuition with Estee.. 3pm - 5pm tmw.. ahhhh bummmer.
Hopefully... Exercising tomorrow as well...hahah (if andreaa isn't lazy )
Going to Changkat KL as well. Check it out with some friends. :)
-yes, i still party. but not hardcore ok people.

saturday
no more saturday tuitions. there is an explanation for that.
will be leaving to my friends house in the morning. going to her place for brunch.
going for worldstage. mosh pit tickets :D
and of course the after party. with the celebs :P

sunday
well sunday. is a mystery. but do need to get studying sooon!! yes! soon haha.

wednesday
driving at 8-10 am
then tuition at 4.30 till 7.30 maths and science.

well so far thats all i have planned the rest are just... hmmm.. in planning.. i am trying to get into some PR work and stuff. and i am looking into other things as well.. see u.

how you feeling?

2009-08-11T16:10:00.001+08:00

sick.

2009-08-11T15:38:00.002+08:00

andreaa has been sick since last saturday :( and you know how much i hate to be sick. well was fine on saturday but the night itself caught a cough then next morning was just a cough.. went for lunch with john and we had some heart to heart kind of talks haa. yes. with john. suprised myself. havent smoked since that day actually. didnt watch movie with my friends. really had no strength. monday morning went to the doctor and was then admitted to the hospital suspecting H1N1. Couldnt determine anything yet but they did give me some medicine called Tamiflu supposingly for H1N1 but they told me no results yet unless this continues for another two days. when i go back home felt really awful slept the whole day and the next thing i knew i was practically paralyzed. barely could walk or talk. body was aching like mad. and everything i ate. kept vomiting till i cried. slept like a prawn last night. thats what my brother told me. he checked up on me and apparently i was curled like a ball then found out my fever was super high then my mum had to spounge me the whole time to bring down the heat. feeling alot better today. but still need a lot of rest. gahh!

bumpy.

2009-08-09T23:11:00.002+08:00

this past few days have been a hell of a weekend. been so busy meeting up with people and having late nights and waking up early. i'm just really tired. i'm sick at the moment. so far no signs of H1N1 so no worries guys. the haze this year has been coming on and off so it affected many people's health. played foosball that day to blow of some steam. had burger and shisha at Joe's burger in desa. still am waiting for my license. did driving lesson today. parking and three point turn haha. pretty fun but since i only slept for 3 hours was super tired after that. by the time i got home i just slept. then went out for lunch with a friend of mine and we just started talking about all the things that has been going on. we kind of ate too much and was really sleepy afte lunch. we chilled at the park for a bit then i went home and my friend had dinner plans so we just went back home. was suppose to watch Ghost Of Girlfriend's Past today but didn't come around too it. had cough medicine that made me really drozy so planning to watch another time. this month and next month alot of good movies coming out. didn't go out today. stayed at home and basicly slept. had some freaky night mares thought. no joke. the cough meds are getting to my head. hopefully will recover by tmw.

The Proposal.

2009-08-09T03:11:00.005+08:00

Sandra Bullock stars in the romantic comedy The Proposal, as a Canadian immigrant who creates a demanding and difficult work environment for her subordinates at the office. When the news arrives that she's about to be deported to the Great White North, she rushes into a marriage of convenience with her young assistant (played by Ryan Reynolds) to prevent such a catastrophe from occurring. In the end, they fall in love. :)
http://www.fandango.com/theproposal_v400798/summary

The Proposal was a really good movie. Watched it with Somesh and Justine just now at Tropicana City. The mall is not bad, it's like another Pavilion. Anyway, everyone should watch that movie especially couples. And plus, did i mention that Ryan Reynolds was super hot and sexy in the movie. Especially the part he took off his clothes to go for a shower. Wow. Turned on ;).

i like ;)

the end.

andreaa is suddenly checking Ryan Reynolds out. :D

Creepy.

2009-08-09T03:07:00.001+08:00

I just found out from my friend that someone on facebook took some of my pictures and added it as her own. Even had her profile picture. Dude? Don't you have a face of your own. This is freaky. And this is the second time it has happened. Some of the pictures are gone as my friend had reported it. The internet world is turning into a freak show.

past days.

2009-08-08T03:43:00.003+08:00

the past few days since that last friday i realize i been more quiet and been bottling up my emotions more. and i cant seem to figure out why. cause i know. that is just not me. you know if you know me. im the kind of person that just speaks my mind and dont bottle up things but these few days seem different. maybe its my period so im pms-ing or something i dont know. i just dont really have the mood to speak like how i use to be hyper and loud. now i just prefer to listen and shut up unless i have something to say id process it so many times in my head before actually saying it now. weird. been feeling kind of empty inside and feeling inferear all over again. i guess the heart break is kicking in again. i see how couples are so happy together. and i see them walking by holding each other. i really miss those stuff. there was one part where i just turned my head to my bed side and saw the teddy bear he gave me and i stopped for a second. realizing how much i miss those times. when we were in Aussie together. we had a room to ourselves our own money our own time and nothing else mattered. i remember when he would carry me around and id kiss him on his forehead people would be staring but it didnt feel like anything mattered when it was just me and him all the way. i could say he ment the world to me. sometimes i go to bed and just hug my pillow wishing it'd hug me back like he used to. i think im so much more open in my blog than to people now. weird. not andreaa material but yeah. so now when you guys read up you'll know the things i wish i didnt say. i guess theres just a whole in my heart.

but overall the current emotions i'm feeling are
-irritated
-flattered
-jealous
-lost of self esteem
-very confused

gahh this is so frustrating. I want my god damn license. my car. money and i want to just do everything. thinking back about how much i changed from the pass years of being a player and hardcore party girl to this girl that just chills and wanting to find commitment. thats just way off in me. but i guess its good. everything has its pros and cons so yeah. bearing it. life is weird. im weird. my true happiness now.. food but sometimes they let me down. by making me fat and tasting awful. gahh!

andreaa needs a good stressfree vacation!
: guys right after spm im going to take my car and drive to some place chilling and chill. feel free to scream at the top of your lungs!

Andreaa is in the room with CK and Estee.

2009-08-07T14:32:00.003+08:00

don't want to go tuition which is in 30 mins or so. thank god for the weekend. but then again. tuition on saturday and sunday. wont be going on sunday have driving class. :) and i think i might be having a crush on one of my old crush. but we're too much of good friends to be anything more. moving on. yesterday was pretty fun. woke up. went lunch at kim gary then went back. studied maths. and had an amazing and emotional heart to heart talk with my mum about some personal family issues that kind of brought me down yesterday. but everything happens for a reason and me as the eldest has to be strong for this family. after that had dinner at new seafood with friends then played foosball. it was awesome. foosball on form that day. then met up with elle. was suppose to be drinking but ended up just catching up and talking then she slept over at my place. can't wait for my license as well. today let's see whats up after tuition. grr! tuition. well now just lying on the bed and estee next to me. well was next to me. now she's back on the bed and ck playing my ps3. damn im so jobless haha. oh had lunch at nam heong chicken rice just now. bit weird though. hmm. byebye gtg tuition. and i have one wish. but ill bring that up the next time.

happy birthday mommy. i love you.

2009-08-06T00:46:00.002+08:00

Mom's birthday today (5 August). Had dinner with mom and brothers and friends after a long time of not sitting on the same table having dinner. Felt awesome. Had nice dinner at some Thai restaurant which I can't really pronounce the name. Had some green curry chicken. And butter prawn. Sweet and sour chicken. And vegetables. Not much actually. But super full. Just more like a gathering. Looking at my mom thinking to myself. Few years from now I'm moving out and how I'm going to miss her so much. Thinking about all the times I fought with her and didn't listen to hear just made me feel really sad. She has done everything for me from the day I was born to every second that goes by right now. From washing clothes to cooking to feeding me. I wish I could be a better daughter. Looking at things now, my brothers and I are growing up and parents growing old. All part of life's cycle and it's so sad but life goes on. I love my mommy so much but I just don't know how to express it. She's been the pillar in this family keeping us all together. She's been a father figure as well as a mother figure. She did everything. Happy Birthday mom. May you look stunning as you are now for more time to come.

"Mom,
You been my light
You been my everything
But as I grow older I depend less on you

Remember
When you would put ribbons in my hair
And we'd play dress up
You protected me from the storm
Kept me safe and warm

I know as i grow older
The spaces between us grow further
Times will change
And everyone one day leaves

For every tear you shed
I wish I could have made it go away
For all the times you cried
Cause you were happy
And smiled while you were sad
Just so we wouldn't worry

You stood tall
When we fell apart
You did everything
But you didn't feel wanted
I know I failed
To keep you happy
But mommy
I really do love you
from the bottom of my heart
Even though I know
I don't know how to show it.
From your only daughter."

feeling awesome and light hearted. loving this!

2009-08-05T16:22:00.000+08:00

things are looking up.

2009-08-05T16:14:00.002+08:00

well now all the drama is clear and everything seems to be fine i guess. here and there a little glitches but what's life without a little bit of this and that. all i know is things are getting better. and i myself am getting over the past with the help of time healing all wounds. things are good i guess. and alot of things are changing.

a new person.

2009-08-05T15:39:00.002+08:00

didn't really think much about how time has change its course and took its toll on me. not till one of my close friend confronted me about it. then it opened my eyes a little bit more and slowly i'm seeing a whole different scenery. was a big time wild girl before and did things that weren't that proud of it now thinking of it. but this year had a big change on me. i didn't barely drink and i'm clean and not so much of a party girl anymore. i do still enjoy a good drink and some high fun parties but not hardcore anymore. it was a good confrontation.i didnt realize myself how much things changed till last night, and i would say its a good change. the old me is dead and gone. and i dont think i want to go back down that road. but yeah other than that, all the problems that pop along will always be problems. i was told i was a big mess before. but i got a lot of improvement so i'm happy. i know how to think more now and follow my instincts. i know my limits better now. and no matter what anyone does people will still talk. but i know myself and what i am doing now. so yeah. its all good. bad girl gone good. and proud of it. we'll no need to go in details. if you knew me before and still know me now. you'll see it. and if you didn't know me last time. well lets leave it as that. everyone deserves a second chance.

the person who was supposingly watching my back is the person stabbing me with a knife.

2009-08-02T23:36:00.002+08:00

honesty is the best policy.

2009-08-02T23:30:00.002+08:00

words been thrown around too much. and i'm putting a stop to this starting with myself. whatever lies or bullshit anyone has to tell me. i'll listen but i wont be believing any shit for a long time. how could you do that. take a walk in someone else shoes and tell me how does it feel to be in that persons life. aint easy hmm.. well then stop. innocent people getting fucked for your mistakes. no more. i'm done. just because i keep my mouth shut doesn't mean nothing is wrong. just dont push me over the line. dont cross my red lights. it'll all fall back to you.

read this!

2009-07-31T21:20:00.004+08:00

So I heard there are rumors and drama streaming along my sidewalks. Get this straight everyone. I don't know what you're hearing and thinking. But you don't even know me and you're just eating the shit people tell you. If you have the nerve for truth, come to my face and ask me what the hell is going on. Cause I don't know myself. People keep talking shit but I don't even know what the hell did I do to any of you. Have some nerve. Stop blogging about me and spreading shit unless you want it done to you. Don't get me wrong. I'm loving the attention you're giving me cause you can't get any but this is just getting out of hand. So keep talking. All you'll ever be is a hypocrite and two face cause the person talking shit, you know me and you still choose to open your mouth with all the secrets I trusted you with. Spreading lies to get attention. Wow! I heard of jealousy but you're too much. Just cause I bite my tongue and I don't strike back doesn't mean I don't know. I care cause you were my best friend but friendship only goes so far with people like you.

p/s : Take a look at me and get to know me. It'll be a big difference people. Karma.

Disasterous Love.

2009-07-30T10:45:00.005+08:00

Every reason and explanation.

1. I'm not that kind of girl who goes around stealing boyfriends. I'm not that high class bitch you think I am. I'm not a "Drama Queen", Drama finds me especially when I don't want it to. "Take a look at me, Listen to the rumors you heard about me and tell me what you think I am, Then look at me, Get to know me. Then tell me was it the same thing you knew or was thinking. No, I'm not like that at all. I know what it feels like having being cheated on, lied to, betrayed, have someone steal my boyfriend, and so on. Everyone in some part of their life will feel it. What makes you think me going through the rainy days and crying myself to sleep. Do you think I would have the heart to put you through that? If you do feel it, I can promise you, I wont be the girl who stole him. Feelings are feelings. Feeling are just feelings that come and go. It's what you do about it that's dangerous. Trust me. I didn't do anything but talk and get to know him better. I know my limit with him is just friends. He's so into you. You're afraid I'd steal him. But I know I can't get him. You're pretty, and sweet and friendly. So I'm sorry for complications but I don't want any drama. I'll back off."

2. I'm so sorry but I had to walk away. There was no more space for this in my heart. The secret was thrilling and fun at first. But slowly it became chaos and I couldn't have a secret relationship anymore. But I did love you. And I tried but things just got in the way. And I just couldn't do it. Don't get me wrong. We had so much fun memories together. And just keep it in mind. Cause I got to let you go. I've told you it all before. And those words were for you to hear. So I wont be writing it here for the rest of the world to know. But no matter what, I will always be here for you. And although we don't talk anymore, does mean I don't care. We had a lot of fun as friends as well. So everything should be fine. But I am really sorry for hurting you and being so complicated and all. Yes, I admit I'm complicated when it comes to relationships. But you already know that. Thank you, for being there when I was so down and lost. And thank you for making me laugh and chilling with me on the balcony eating chips and cigarettes. You're a good guy. But just not for me. I'm sorry. I do miss the fun times. But in time everything will pass and heal. And I know you'll find someone who is worthy of you. :)

3. 31 August 2009. Merdeka day. No enthusiasm though. This day has been treating me well all my life since there was always no school and always being happy with friends or someone. Till 2007. I got with this awesome guy in the cab, the fireworks playing and the time was nicely 12.00 am, 31 August 2007. It was going to be 2 years officially together. But things aren't going to be like it was. Last year, we had a hotel and great food and movies and just holding each other to sleep. We spent the whole night together and felt like nothing else mattered. We stayed up and talked all night about our lives. College and Holidays in Melbourne and such. I never felt so alive with a guy before till I met him. But this years merdeka I wont be in his arms and he wont be in mine. We're both going to be doing different things and with different people. As the days grow closer. My heart grows weaker and I know I got to let go of him slowly. No matter how much I love him, he's long gone. He walked away so long ago, I just stood there and didn't know where to go. But I'm slowly making my way and learning to be less dependant on you. Happy Anniversary. I know you wont be reading this. And you think I'm over you and you think I don't love, miss and care for you. But you have no idea. No matter how I tried to move on. My heart is stuck with you. I LOVE YOU, BABYLOVE. SO MUCH BUT YOU WONT EVEN KNOW IT.

suicide.

2009-07-28T01:18:00.002+08:00

i never promised you this was going to be easy and i didnt say it wouldnt hurt. and sometimes when its time to let go of whatever you hold on to. then you must. i need time and space. i'm trying to be strong on the inside. but no one really knows what going on in my mind and what im thinking about. my hearts closed and i know and i might be wrong. but no matter how i try. i lost myself. im drowning in the water and am trying to pick up the pieces. time is all i need right now. and going with the flow is all i have. so please understand if sometimes i just disappear. i love each and everyone of you. but things change sometimes. sometimes for the better. choices and regrets are part of life and i am living to that challenge. the more i try to stay strong the more suicide comes to mind. but im doing all i can to let go of everything and be myself again. be truely happy and free. till then...

has concluded a mission.

2009-07-27T19:57:00.001+08:00

been jogging and exercising everyday now. cut down smoking and started balancing out my friends and family. coming home for lunch and dinner now. but weekends its my own time. making the best of what i can. things are messy but im coping.

has to let go of the past. but doesnt know how to. and the feeling is surreal.

2009-07-26T22:41:00.000+08:00

leaving me speechless.

2009-07-26T14:26:00.002+08:00

im staring at the reflection of myself thinking. i fought with my mum at 4 am in the morning. i came back pretty drunk and tired. she's been saying the same thing since 12 am till 4 am and i couldnt take it. i told her over and over not to push my temper when i already told her i heard her the first time she said it. it was a stupid fight. and she was so pissed off the whole day about something some one did to her and she got people fired and yelled at by the manager and she's throwing her anger out to everyone including my friends. so im thinking what the fuck did any of us do to you? i tried to arrange family dinner tonight. trying to do something for this family and gain some closeness. i get pushed away with hurtful words. why do i bother trying anymore. everytime i do. it back fires on me. my friends been really great. a little glicthes here and there but nothing's perfect in life so yeah what can i say. i mean we're all having a little hard time now. exams are so close. and theres just too much to do in too little time. im falling for a guy who would never see me as anything but a friend and he doesn't even really talk to me. it hurts me to see him knowing he would never feel the same way. his gf's hot and skinny and everything im not. ahh! i never felt like this before. never liked someone who wouldnt feel the same. never chase guys. never put down my defences. nope not me. but this time its a whole different me. and i dont know whether its a good thing. im so tempted to go back to flinging and just live it up to myself. but some part of me out grow that player mode and wild life. ive toned down alot. and i guess this is all a whole new feeling. and this other guy. i might still love him but its not easy and its complicated. " wo bu pei - jay chou ". and i guess i still love my x. but no matter what i do. the feelings not fading. but im trying to hold my head high, keep strong. and if the phone rings ill try not to call. i know i got to let go. of this guy with the gf cause i wouldnt wanna ruin anything and to let go of my x. in time.everything's really confusing now. but whats life without a little drama and dirty secrets. but yeah i know i learned alot and the more time passes the more experiences so there's nothing much i need to say. all i know is next year im off t college and more things are bound to change. 2 years from now ill be in aussie or us. more will change. and im prepared for life's challenges.

"andreaa is enjoying every minute of the bitter sweet life."

snap.

2009-07-25T15:57:00.002+08:00

i was about to drop everything. i mean everything. i couldnt take it i was going to snap. but i just held it in. and tried to ignore the ugly truth and the things that's been going around. one day i might just snap and walk away. theres just too little time in live for me to be worrying about all this at the moment. enough fighting and drama. its not getting us anywhere. i dont see why poeple got to be so immature. im not gonna go in details this time cause i wanna avoid any form of offence or arguements. i love you guys i really do everyone in my life means something to me. just dont make me not care cause i really wont if i hit that point. andreaa needs a break.

dirty little secret. loving you in silence. <3

2009-07-23T01:16:00.000+08:00

love department.

2009-07-22T08:11:00.002+08:00

my love life been so sucky since i broke up with my x. i just cant seem to make right choices. cant seem to think straight. i hurt my 2 best friends along the way when i was vulnerable. and 1 of my closest friend that i got super close to and had an unofficial thing going on. he told me there's two sides of a story its true. but he didnt bother to tell me. and i know my friends mean well and things just got complicated with the words being thrown around. i didnt mean to make you feel like a rebound. i didnt mean to make you feel like i used you. i just didnt know what to be around you at first cause you said we werent dating were just super close friends so i held back. i didnt know. i know you were trying to save our friendship. its abit too far out for that. and i know everything we been through ment so much to me. cause when i was around you i was happy. but things came tumbling in. and there's nothing my heart could do to resist. i never wanted to let go. but i got confused. there were days i wanted to just sit beside you and cry. i miss having you around. you always could make me laugh. but i still got carried away. i was being too blind to see that you cared. and me being so disappointed made me yell. i didnt mean to hurt you. i really didnt. you were the closest i been to a guy since my x. and i dont want us to not talk and i dont want us to not be friends. but its all so hard when so much has been said and done. im sorry. i loved you. but now im just lost. i guess i wasnt ready to start a new relationship. but i knew it hurt when you said be friends. i didnt want that. didnt want to lose you. so i forced love and it ended up hitting me back. thanks for being there for me when i needed you. i know i said hurtful things when i was mad. i just was too blinded by the pain to see what you were doing for me. and i know you cared and loved me. so did i. but somehow it all comes to a stop cause this is hard. maybe time will tell. now that im thinking about you and what we went through and how much this hurts. the thought of my x slips away. i know these days i been really down. because i missed you. other than that im fine. until the phone rings. until i see. everything is slowly slipping away and i will slowly be letting go of my x. and you. there's no way were going to be together now. this condition is killing love. its hard to walk away when your heart is lost. but i want you to know. i did love and care for you unconditionally. i just wasnt ready and things got in the way. to make it all more unstable. i loved you. but again im letting go. relationships never been so hard for me. this i fell in love and got my heart shattered on the floor. now everythings different.

you're so cute! <3

2009-07-21T17:03:00.000+08:00

realize and change.

2009-07-21T12:07:00.003+08:00

Grrr! for the past 2009 its been really stressing. and i have been pushing my body to its limits. the amount of stress everyone is facing this year is hectic. but i have managed to get some good sleep and feel slightly better. i had some hard times with my family and it finally resolved with my dad after years. and my mom's getting happier, the fact my brothers and i have created peace. friends, my close friends are great. but i limited myself to my friends. im only with one type of people now. i hardly mix around with my other friends anymore. reasons cause i dont have a car and sometimes alot of bad things happen when im with them. im mostly hanging out with people with boundaries now. and its good. they have their fair share of fun and responsibility. and they really watch out for me. so im thankful. but i do miss my old and other friends. but i guess sometime will heal all wounds. alot has happened to make me and my other friends split apart. friends come and go yes. but there are some i would like to keep and meet up with once in awhile. love life, well im getting by after the heart break. its been hard but time is definitely healing. the last guy i had a thing with, ended up hurting me too. so i just had to pull away. but there's this guy im currently crushing on. he doesnt know it but he makes me happy when i see him. there are a few things i would like to change about myself though...

[1] be more healthy. starting with smoking less. exercising more. and eating proper meals. no, this is not for losing weight. my health has detorated greatly since form 3. i been having lots of health problems. and my heart is weak compared to before.

[2] be more serious about studies and have a good holding career later on.

[3] spending more time with family starting from now. realising im the eldest and should be putting the family back together. since i got so caught up in my wild life i pushed everything away. i shouldnt have done that. im going to try to make family dinner's once a week and visit my relatives when im told to.

[4] basicly, making myself happy, the people i love happy and just making the best of everyday. you never know when it might be your last. nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. but i intend to improve myself. and be my old happy go lucky self again.

MAKE THE BEST OF WHAT YOU GOT BEFORE IT'S GONE!!

you caught me off guard. now im running and screaming.

2009-07-21T00:28:00.001+08:00

what is life without love, happiness, sorrows? meaningless.

life long journeys.

2009-07-20T00:01:00.002+08:00

its been a rough day and i just am too tired to speak and bother. im feeling empty and fed up. i lost my temper today and i havent yelled and been so disappointed or upset at someone like that in a long time. i know people make mistakes. no one is perfect. everyone just needs a little time to forgive and forget. no grudges. everyone makes mistakes and should be forgiven. no matter how much it hurts time will heal. im still learning that. keeping things simple. i cant handle this. im tired and all i can say is the best thing i got is my friends and family and the people i love. life is a learning lesson. we make mistakes to learn. and these mistakes should not be repeated. i tried so hard to love this one guy but i felt so pushed away everytime i tried. i just cant do it. at first i didnt have the heart to give up. but slowly i just walked off. everything happens for a reason. and songs are good remedies :). thank god for music. well enough stress talk. all i know is. i wouldnt change anything in my life cause this might be not picture perfect but it could be worst. owh! and! i cant wait to AUGUST HOLIDAYS!!!! WHEEEE! :D and after SPM!! and COLLEGE! Oooolala! haha nahh.. i think theres still red bull flowing in my blood. ahha. nitenite.

truth.

2009-07-19T15:41:00.002+08:00

this is to generally people in particular. yes, im talking about more than one person here. look around you. tell me what do you see. people of all kinds. let me say this once and only once.

[1]hey you! yeah you! you lie you back stab and you cross the line between friends and hurt people i love. you can say goodbye to anything that is everything to you. you lie about things and talk bullshit to make yourself look good and make others look bad. you back stab and betray and you are a true hypocrite. friends like you who take pity from others for attention and brag about things you dont have isnt something i or anyone would admire. your true colors are showing. im disappointed but its people like you im afraid of now. you hold my secrets and im afraid you might spill. i lost trust in you buddy.

[2]how can people be so barbaric to do such things to someone. a girl was just being friendly and met some friends and you people take advantage of her. then you leave me at some road side. you're lucky shes fine or cops will be all over you. you call yourself friends. friends dont do that to friends. think twice asshole.

[3]his girl is crazy and phyco shes insane and rude. how did he ever end up with a girl like that. all i can say is *speechless*.

[4] generally. alot of people has flaus so do i. but how inhumane can you people get seriously. why not think before you act or give others a hard time.

gah! im too tired and have no time for this nonsense but people. think if what u did to people would u like it being done to you or someone you love. stop to think.

secretly crushing.

2009-07-19T15:34:00.003+08:00

everytime he looks my way.
i wonder if he knows
how my heart skips a beat.
everytime he smiles
im holding my breathe
he's funny and caring
he's cute and daring
he's got attitude and style
and he's not just talk
its all action baby.
he's the man =p

ni ke bu ke yi ai wo.
ke bu ke yi xiang wo.

secret affections.

la la dee.

2009-07-19T15:18:00.002+08:00

well exams was on wednesday till friday. didnt sit for the friday one though. gah! couldnt be bothered it was just sejarah. driving manual car still in progress. its not too bad pretty fun actually just tiring. friday had lunch with some friends then tuition with estee. it was a drag as usual but we made it through. later that evening went swimming with rach john meng hui and vincent. pretty funny things going on. especially their attempt to carry each other *laughs*. later that night we watched a movie. supposingly Harry Potter but john ended up getting us this long ass draggy movie "Public Enemies" i mean the story line is all mafia like and all that but it was just too long. then by the time movie ended everyone looked stoned dead. i went back early that night well if u call 2 something early. really had a bummer of emotions and needed to be alone. the next day was a much better day. we went for dinner at our usual me rach and meng hui. the ikan bakar wasnt as good as usual. then my friend said he knew some hot friends. nahh his assumptions are pretty off you can say. sorry. ahh! but dessert was awesome. dessert bar! whee. then later me and rach had this crazy need for magazines so we chilled in Times in HSC and read till they closed the lights. The we went off to Rasta for shisha and chilling with friends. the whole group that is. almost. i saw my friend there. she is in pretty bad shape helped her out and she's fine now[personal issues]. then later we went karaoke at Yan's place. hehe the people i never expected to sing well sung awesomely. well later then we just went to meng hui's and had ourselves a drinking session. *laughs* funny and idiotic things happened. by the time we all finished playing card games and drunk me and rach kept holding conversations about tuitions and everyone laughed assuming we wouldnt go. which we did with only two to three hours sleep. i nearly died i swear. by the time i got home was 6 something and slept till 9 something. then me and rach had red bull and we were shaking like mad. *laughs*. the weekend was pretty sweet. and tomorrow not going to school.driving again! ahhh!

low.

2009-07-18T02:22:00.002+08:00

i remember when life was so innocent and gossiping was a hobby and boys were disgusting. growing up from pretty colors and ribbons to make-up and dresses. that kind of thing. love was just a game to me. i was young and stupid. till i got my heart broken this year in april. no relationship or guy could ever get to me like - did. - was my first love. to me - was my everything. making - my everything was fun while it lasted. now it feels like i have nothing at all. i drowned in tears the first few weeks. then i eventually thought that i was over -. i met guys and got closer with them. to only find out. i didnt want any of them. who i really wanted isnt here anymore. three months later i had a melt down. confused and aggitated to know the truth i completely broke down and lost myself. i stopped. kept telling everyone i was fine and trying to stay positive. but i know i am lying to myself. hell it hurts like mad. no matter how much i like a guy or how close i am with one. i cant seem to open my heart and let him in. - i walked away. i avoided and ignored anyone who got close with me. when i knew my heart kept pushing it away. me away from love. paranoid i am. im fine when im occupied. but after a while it gets to me. all over again. i find it so hard to trust anyone now. to tell anyone everything like i used to. i use to have no secrets. now i have a million. sometimes i want to speak. but i dont want to hear their judgement or have them judge me. i dont want to have them worried about me and i dont want to spoil the mood. i also feel so alone in this world. as if no one is trustable anymore. i love my friends i really do. but i just feel i cant open up to anyone anymore. im slowly caving in on myself. im paranoid and hyper sensitive lately. i get irritated and want people around. im in the mood of trying something new. getting so high i cant feel anything at all. but then again what's the point in that. i want to talk to someone. i need a listener. im dying inside. i just want to scream and shout. i want to break glass and watch it shatter. i never ever in my life. felt so betrayed so crushed so deeply cut! until the point i lost trust in everything. even myself. i can feel my faith and hopes just drifting away. the lights are going out and im standing alone in a corner. i dont know what to do. im lost and it hurts. i dont need anyone's opinion on this. i know time will heal. dont say a word. its complicated enough. im drowning in my sorrows. and everyone is different. sometimes i just want to scream. all i know is i feel so low. never before i felt like this. i took - as a fling and 3 months later i fell for - but i didnt know that - slowly gave it. i wish i didnt do that cause in the end - left me without saying goodbye knowing how much it would hurt. i ended up loving - till today and that was my biggest mistake. a player got played. karma. i surrender.

part 2

2009-07-17T11:55:00.002+08:00

so yeah... after last night things were painful and i felt really low...i hope my friends are right about what they said about rebounds and flings cause to me if it was a rebound or a fling it doesnt hurt at all..i guess i really fell for him...so now we're talking like best friends and i guess this is were the fullstop comes and we're friends and thats all.

unspoken.

2009-07-16T22:48:00.002+08:00

before pd and during pd. everything seemed so right. so in place. you love me i love you kind of thing. then it all started falling apart when i got a phone call. my walls came tumbling down on me now im just sitting alone thinking to myself if i made a big mistake. i avoided and ignore. and completely wanted nothing to do with him. the phone just kept ringing. things got way complicated after the holidays and i just had to pull away. the night i said let go i was fine. but when i got off the phone regret written all over my face. i kept telling myself negative things that made me think negatively and made me feel anxious and irritated around him.i didnt bother giving it another shot cause i was too afraid of getting hurt. then the next day school was cold and awkward we didnt speak. later that evening we met and spoke about everything. what i didnt expect was to have myself turn to you and hug you and hold u like you been missing or something. it was fine at first things seemed like last night didnt happen. until we got to the park....to be continued...andrea is tired...

misery in disguise.

2009-07-16T15:38:00.001+08:00

im sorry.

2009-07-16T00:00:00.002+08:00

im sorry i had to be the one to put an end to something that could have been everything. i just couldnt go on. we're so different and things got in the way. i couldnt let go off the past and things just cant click. it hurts i know. im in pain in too. theres nothing more i could really say to make it all ok. its not that i dont love you but i just cant love you enough. and the feeling just faded with the thought of you hurting me like you did before. i just cant. but like i said. " doesnt matter what we become. its what we shared." im so sorry. but it hurts too much. i just cant type anymore. im sorry. will get back to it. i had an awesome time with u. you'll always be my snoopy and my best frriend.

push.

2009-07-13T19:08:00.002+08:00

the more i know. the harder i try. the more it back fires on me and the more it hurts. the more i think about us. and how much i miss everything bout us. till this very moment i'm still in love you and i realized my mistakes and our little bits of regret. we had so many plans. so sure it was everything. but it was a part of growing up. but i can't get over the fact. you cheated and lied. every move i make. i'm afraid i might be falling for the wrong person and all the rush i had with you is rushing back to me. it hurts more. i can't. we had a perfect fairy tale. but it seems that, at the end of the tale you still said, “Goodbye”. it's killing me with every breathe i take.but im lost. in your eyes. my next step might be my biggest regret.

give 'em hell.

2009-07-12T19:36:00.002+08:00

-you love me, i love you. but we're both into other things and other people. both realized our mistakes but there's no turning back. yes, it hurts, yes i miss you and our memories. it's like a "i love you but...".-

-he's always there for me. he's my punching bag when i'm angry and he's always understanding. i just wish i could do the same for him. but its hard to live with a broken heart and i can't move on till its done. but he's been so great to me." defense is still up."-

-friends. well we had some small issues. but she took it well and showed alot of maturity. we're all really happy and proud of her. we love you. friends always got your back. the real friends that is.-

-family. things could be better. but the war is over for now. so lets keep this up and see the progess.-

-the rest is still unwritten.-

is a confused teen. :)

2009-07-12T15:29:00.001+08:00

the silly word call emotions.

2009-07-12T15:28:00.000+08:00

SOCIETY CRISIS.

2009-07-08T21:44:00.003+08:00

the world is changing. places are developing. society is getting more open minded. economy is progressing. but the people are falling back wards. THE SOCIETY'S LOSING GRIP! My car has been smashed by some idiots. I parked at this area and when i got back my car headlights, above it was smashed. and before this my front side bonnet was dented. scratches and dents. My friends friend's car was covered with dirt and underwear. as well as smashed with bricks. this is ridiculous. a progressing society they say. look at how uncivilized people are these days. another case was when someone's car was egged and the woman was forced to pull over as she couldnt see anything. outside her door was rempits waiting. scary. no one is safe. cab drivers are cheating their way by not using the meter. and tend to molest people. just last month there was a case. someone i knew through a friend was molested when paying the cab fee. the cab driver grabbed her chest and he returned the change. public transport is no longer safe for users anymore. people are getting molested in monorails and so on. just some time ago. a woman was standing behind a guy and he was rubbing his private park on her back. people are careless and losing their mind. road accidents. raping. killing. even vandalism. what is wrong with society. at such young age. girls are getting pregnant and throwing away babies. sex is one thing but precautions should be taken. its sad to see a developing world turn into such chaos. it is true destruction. it is also sad to see the world being so hipocritical and unlogical about life now days. God has become a history to many and no one cares about anything but themselves. for example. Micheal Jacksons passing was mourned and has devastated so many. but when he was alive. being mocked and looked down on. does it take a death for someone to realize and learn how to appreciate. i see people abusing animals. threating them with no emotion. ive seen people throw bricks and burning ciggarette buds at dogs as they walk pass. this is horrible. kicking kittens as they get in their way. imagine the horrible things you do to living things are done to you. how can someone be so cold hearted. there is no truth. no justice. nothing in society anymore. corruption and murders covered by other people. how is this! why is this! in the train. i saw this girl. teenager. as i looked at the old man standing with no balance and holding things. she just stared not even offering her seat. what is wrong with people! no morals. no heart. cold blooded. its sad to see. i am some one from this generation and i ask myself. how is people this cruel??? why?? is it the food we eat. the lifestyle we have. i see little boys at the park. they destroy the bee hive and get angry when stung. throwing kittens in the air like a ball. i see little girls and boys that act like hooligans! i cant imagine what the world will be 10 years from now. so many types of diseases attacking us. how do we live like this? tell me.

sad.

2009-07-08T01:14:00.001+08:00

i feel like there's this timer in me. its going to go off anytime. i wouldnt even know when. things are complicated. friends are drifting apart and people change. i wish everyone could just get together and i just wish there was more time in a day cause there's just too much to do. i want my friends to be close to my heart. but things change. i talked to my dad after nearly 2 months. i want this family to work. but its damaged. i want everyone to just come together at a family dinner and say our appreciation. mum and dad's side. i want the people i love and loved to be part of me and not just fade away. i miss everyone and everything. ive had friends pass away and almost passed away. and this world is getting so hectic there's just no space to breathe anymore. i miss the times we shared. the memories. things have changed so much and drifting is my biggest enemy. the things we never known. or never will be. i just wish the world was peaceful and everyone would just be happy. like paradise it will never be on earth. diseases. crimes. suicides. lifestyle. nothing is perfect. i pains me to see. the world is falling apart. we're coming closer to the end of the world. we're coming closer to judgement day. MJ is gone. People are passing by before our eyes. world is evolving before our senses. and theres nothing that will stop from depleting. its sad and a depressing world. no matter what we make do. the lingering thoughts of my life and other peoples. the world infact. cruelty is so prone. love is fading. belief is diminishing. where are we now. no morals. no respect. no dignity. as lives slip away and dreams are crushed. i sit here wondering. how do people go by. day by day. without feeling remorse and emotion. walking by. seeing nothing but their greed. loving no one but themselves. "family. friends. love. life."

a good friend.

2009-07-07T00:48:00.002+08:00

it took me a good friend to smile and laugh. a good friend to let me still my heart to. a good friend that will and has lifted me up through this hard past times. a good friend to be there with a promising laughter. i love you guys. thanks for lifting me up as the past few days were hell. yes, agree live life with pretty colours.

green boy <3

2009-07-06T18:38:00.000+08:00

the words unspoken.

2009-07-05T17:47:00.002+08:00

we both have changed the things we both we're forced to accept about each other because of love. we're both now what we both always wanted but its sad to know that the words unspoken you'd never hear me say. we're exactly what we need but the truth is we grew into a new path and there will be no turning back unless paths are crossed once again. its sad to see we changed but we're not getting back together. leaving everything emotionless.

Jay Chou - Tui Hou.

karma.

2009-07-05T16:31:00.003+08:00

what goes around comes around. now you know what it feels like and how heart aching it can be. its all a part of growing up and out of our ignorance and open our heart and mind to a society with millions of different characters. the hardest part is making it stop. you really got to watch your step. do good things and good things will come back to you. despite that, everything happens for a reason and its a phase of life we have to face. but the most important part is, living everyday like it was your last. on a winters day a fire wont spark unless you make do of it. so stop waiting around. throw yourself out there and be all that you can ever be.

Wo hui xue zhe fang qi ni Shi ying wei wo tai ai ni.

2009-07-05T15:42:00.000+08:00

walk away when you don't want to. i love you.

2009-07-04T10:45:00.001+08:00

the break up.

2009-07-03T02:53:00.000+08:00

so this is
what a broken heart feels like
to be spilled across the floor
you know he wont catch you
not this time
not anymore.

so this is
what it feels like
to be played and manipulated
to be betrayed and he wont come back
to fall from grace
build a wall so high
but he's the weakness
you fall.

wake up every morning
reminding yourself
it's a part of life
but you can't deny
its burning pain
you can't understand
how it all fell apart

so this is
what it feels like to regret
to miss someone
and love him
when he wont love you back
she points out the mistakes
as she makes the same
with him
but blind to see

now
you know it hurts
and you felt you could
do a little better
but you also know
he didn't give you
love and the respect

in fear
the phobia of loving
you're back at where you started
the girl in the past
but the break up hurt so bad
you just cant please the pain
then you sit on your bed
music to its loudest
crying to yourself

you're falling in love with someone
but you don't want to
afraid it might hurt
or happen all over again
you forget what's it like to smile
this new guy brings it back
but he's real
are you?

its been months
but you linger
you wont forget
then you remember
you tried
to save him from regret
but he's already gone

so this is
what it feels like to let go
for someone's happiness
it hurts
but its harder
when you don't know
how he is doing

you worry
you care
you wont say you love him
and you cant say it doesn't hurt
you lost yourself
but you know
i walked away
cause i had too
i didn't want to break up
but you forced us to it.

as i sit here
writing this letter
listening to the songs
which would bring memories
i know i have to take your words
and slowly walk away.

maybe one day
id turn back
and not cry
and the pain is gone
but till then
im afraid that
im still in love with you.

losing grip all over again

2009-07-03T01:34:00.001+08:00

tell me.

2009-07-03T01:01:00.002+08:00

love : [got my heart broken. then cheated on. then played.back to step 1.] - studies : [isn't prepared. lazy. uninterested.] - friends : [lose some. gained some. miss everything.] - myself : [complicated. stressed. miserable but smiling.] conclusion : [andreaa needs something new. something different.]

i miss everything.
2009-07-02T00:28:00.002+08:00

the last few days of june.

2009-07-02T00:17:00.002+08:00

well in the last few days of june i finished my amali and now am waiting for my L to come out then start driving. haven't been in school. i had a major melt down that day and ended up sitting on the roof with kelvin just spilling my heart out. now i know what a heart break feels like. had some really emotional talk and stuff but yeah everything's fine. went for dinner with rachel and meng hui as usual then just chilled and saw a really weird guy camwhoring on his own in starbucks. my friends been having some issues and ive been having some issues with friends to. all misunderstanding as usual but things are okay now. sometimes its just easier to let things cool off on its own. i felt a little hurt when my friend made it seem like i was going for the guy she likes. i would never do that, she's too much of a sister to me and i wouldnt have the heart to. but we're fine. smoked shisha till my head spun and played foosball that day after some time. had dinner with intan and chilled. basicly that. went shhopping with my mum to get some stuff. tmw going dinner with friends and passing up stupid assignments. friday will be clubbing. its been a long time and i need a few shots to calm my nerves. major. sarturday tuition then to curve with rachel to get some stuff then to Ck's bbq. not sure what else it planned but yeah hitting the books too. NOW WELCOME JULY!

walls.

2009-06-29T11:56:00.002+08:00

everytime you think you can walk away and you've built something so strong. you're wrong. forgetting to built another shield was my biggest mistake thinking he couldnt get to me. thinking i couldnt love him more. every little bit counts and theres no reason to feel anything at all. but i do. the things in a relation some too personal everyone already knows so. whats the big secret now. somethings i didnt want to say already have been said. its just the second part to this getting over when i thought i was already finished. Back at step 1.

love.

2009-06-29T04:20:00.002+08:00

is actually a beautiful thing. what makes it ugly is emotions and obstacles. love is design such that it sweeps you right off the ground. but the decisions made by one is what makes it painful and disappointing. no one really fears love. just the fear of emotions and feeling of emptiness caused by some one. we are surrounded by love in all forms. love makes the world go round.

melt down.

2009-06-28T16:21:00.002+08:00

when i thought i was so fine. so over it. so sure. i found myself curled up on my bed crying to the sound of your voice. your name i repeated over and over again. i hurt myself by pressing call. i cant say i love you but i cant say it doesn't hurt.

your blood on my hands.

2009-06-28T14:49:00.002+08:00

Recently, I been thinking I was so happy. So free. But then I took a step back and realized how much the past I have forgiven but can't forget anytime soon. There was at one point I caught him off the ground, bleeding. His blood on my hands. There's been a fight. And I could never bare to see him like that. I broke down with him. The phone rings, sometime after the break up. It was an old "friend" calling and asking for my x, lets just call him SK. I told him we were over and what ever problems and issues he had he should call SK or his girl friend. But my "friend" insisted to meet with me and talk. I was and am for sure, something is very wrong, and if not mistaken another fight will be around the corner. I don't know what to do. Talking to my friends, I realize why should I bother, its not my business anymore but it hurts and I don't want to see him hurt. Not like that. As we kept talking over lunch it occur to me that he just used me as a wall. Whatever fights a boyfriend gets into, one should never bring his girl friend. But he did. It's all starting over again. All the things I covered up for SK, I can't do it now. It's just not my say anymore. I hope he mans up and settle it himself. Cause I can't be settling his shit. Not anymore. I don't want to be the girl I use to be. The wild and doing dodgy things. But it's hard to change. I been living a wild life. I'm not like who I was back when I was younger and I am not who I am 4 years ago. All this mess has just made me lose myself along the way. I need to see the light. I know no one can help me fight the battle with my heart but myself.

je t'aime mais je ne peux pas maintenant. il ya juste trop de choses en cours et il est salissante. i besoin de temps pour penser.

2009-06-28T14:31:00.000+08:00

17th. <3

2009-06-25T16:03:00.003+08:00

finally 17.thanks guys for making it all worth while. <3

2009-06-25T15:51:00.000+08:00