nothing.

do you ever feel like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, then you just remember all the littles pieces of misery you bury to deep lingers on your mind, but you try to fake a smile. Wearing a mask with no meaning at all, just seems to fade away as it slowly becomes my face. Maybe I'm falling too deep and comfortable with this empty feeling of losing the love of my life in the accident last year, regretting how I never had the chance to tell him how attracted I was to him and how every moment felt perfect. Then it lingers to other things like how it's like to walk into a house feeling like no ones home. Leading on to missing how things used to be when I had a bunch of really awesome friends, they slowly left overseas and I was stuck here due to the screw ups in the choices I made. I could have been in my dreamland, my paradise, but I'm stuck in a country where there isn't anything left for me. I wish I could just fall into a black hole, or hide under the blanket and never had to get out but after sometime it got really hot under there then I just realised read between the lines that I can't hide I might just sufficate under there. This emptiness never seems to go away, although I thought it did. As I tried to forget everything that has happened and the things I've been through I just can't seem to forget. I really can't believe how bad I am with relationships, I'm bored easily and I just turn so cold, never really fell in love with anyone, not anytime soon, I mean I love whoever I was in a relationship or being in now with but somehow some empty place in my heart never closed, always yerning for something more, something superficial, something my hands won't reach. I'm just praying, I get everything I prayed for with of course the effort and dedication but I'm praying so hard, I finally open my heart, seeing this guy around for 5 years fine, its nice we finally met, but I don't know I know I'm so in love when I'm super flying up on my emotion and mood but sometimes I sit and think, how I don't want to get serious anymore. I don't know. It's completely lonesome not having no body but completely inappropriate for me as I got so many things I always wanted to do, but made a few mistakes before that makes me delay my decisions and thoughts. Gah!! I wanna just drown into the water and wish I could be in a new world. It's absolutely tiring and frustrating, just channeling your thoughts and emotions to other things trying to keep things going... and looking at the bright side and you know its just not me, absolutely pessimistic and always looking behind the lines or out of the box or maybe just beating around the bush!!! Nahhh!!!!! Give me something to die for..I might just make the mask I wear my real self since the game is always up and pleasure fun is just turning into total chaos. Time to grow up, girl. Sigh. I hate this. Did I mention how life's a total bitch although its fun.. can't wait for something to sweep me off my feet.