fill me up.

the air is clear finally and the drama has come to an end. the truth came out and it wasnt a pretty truth. you(my friends) should know me by now that i hate drama and some how drama finds its loving way to me. and you know how i hate the awkwardness and weird feeling i get. it pisses the shit out of me and i will find some way to confront it and end it. i didnt know it was going to be this bad but fine, everything does happen for a reason and well, im supposing everything will be fine soon. but for now im going to need some time. a wise friend of mine told me, now will be the best age and time for you to grow out of this and make wise choices, choosing your friends, and setting out your priorities. some times i know i think too much till i make myself more stressed out and pressured, but things are just the way things will be. i finally spoke and caught up with an old friend. things look better now. and finally no more fights, and war. thank god. i guess all everyone needed was some space to grow. i decided to give myself some space too. so that is that. i just need some time to think things over and get back on track again, realizing this yeah has brought many different challenges and such. and well yes, i still like him but am getting no were. been trying to give up since he is going for someone else and yeah.. the more i try.. nah backfiring on me. so just waiting till the feeling fades. i keep having dreams of him. gah! and hahaha 2 more weeks to bloody driving exam.. *cross fingers* ill pass and get my car!!! :D

and yes, the happy go lucky andreaa is picking up again. so hello :D

battlefield ; life.

dear diary,
It's been some time since i last blogged and since the last time i blogged, things haven't been any easier for me. Exams has been going on for 2 weeks now and next week will be the last and public holiday for a week then school then another trials in October. Been stressing out a lot recently over my studies. for the past 2 weeks been at Yipee Cup, Mont Kiara just studying everything. Been smoking alot more and havent been having a very healthy lifestyle. All the pressure is kicking in to the studies. at first i wasnt serious at all about my education and wanted to start college late, but now i realized i should play a fool anymore. I'm now planning to use my trials and get into January intake and just do SAM as my pre-university. Then in 2011 head off to Australia. Other than that, family has been good, well I'm never home most of the times but looks better now although no one really communicates but at least the war had ended for now. It's something to look forward to when I come home on days where I feel like exploding. Having no boyfriend has been a lot easier on me, no more unwanted stress. But on the other hand, I miss the one who once was around, he understood me, loved me and was everything. But those are just lingering memories and I've learnt to live with. Tired of searching for a boyfriend, just going to wait till the right one comes along. Things been so complicated since Genting Highlands, and well things are awkward, pissing off and just plain immature. This guy is claiming and assuming and talking shit and he doesn't even know how it hurts but seriously, people keep telling me he means well and everything but he doesn't know how to show it. Well then, this is the 3rd time he did this and the millionth time he caused me so much discomfort. I just dont want to care about these people anymore. Other than him, are some of my other friends, there's just too much conflict and I just give up, hands down they can have it all. But to me, people like that mean nothing. I know I got a few good friends and I'm happy with that, these are outsiders who claim to know me and judge me and say things to make themselves look good. Gah! The backstabbing, hypocrites and everything well good for you then. And well, finally, he learnt to let me go, but it was just weird the way I know he wanted me to find out and all round kind of pissing off. If he wanted me to know, he should have just told me. But we dont even talk no more. So there goes one thing less to worry about. Basicly, I been thinking alot and although no names are mentioned and the words ' he, she, you, them, it ' is used alot. If they read it they know it's about them or some part that I did not detail that they know about. Basicly I been thinking alot all my life and did alot of stupid things that I should regret but dont. Instead I learnt alot of different and new things. Family has been better although there arent much communications and educations has been mentioned, friends well, friends come and go and we meet new people but there are some special people in my heart. Thinking about the future too, hmmm it's all in God's hands but yeah I got some things planned out and thought about some stuff. And I think I like a guy that I just want to try and stop because, he's just not who I thought he was at all. Forget it. But today was great. Went out with the people I can mingle with and some how have same thoughts and understanding as me and we can get along. We made a pit stop at the beach before heading to our destination and it definitely cleared my mind. Anyway eyes are burning. Goodnight. Update soon. TTFN.
love, andrea.

music is medicine.

this time i decided to close my eyes and walk away. the last thing that affected me real bad was friendship, broke me down after a long time. being confronted with mixed words from both parties of my friends, one says this another says that, but i'm the middle where i heard both sides are backstabbing me and such, the thing is these two different people have issues with each other for what ever reason it should not involve me. but i did become a little buyers after a while listening to all this everyday i guess i just couldn't take it anymore and i just broke down. i was told how my best friend spoke about me and brought up some past stories and it opened some old wounds but the truth is only we knew what really happened and how it affected us and being told i was being backstab by one of my bestfriends of five years, i guess everyone just have different thoughts and we can't force them to change them but accept them for their flaus. and on the other side, the didnt click well for their own personal reasons but in the end i became the middle person, torn between two i have to split myself around and its not easy when things get too sensitive. but the truth to be told, i'm standing neutral now and i have no say, i will listen but its time to just let you guys handle the problem yourself, i'm just going to be complex and fluctuate the way i do but fact is i patched it up with my bestfriend and my other friends, but there is alot of stories still going around but i'm just closing my ears and opening my heart. other than that, went to genting for the holidays for one night with friends and well it isnt as cold as it used to be, weather has changed drasticly. its really sad. in genting we played cards and the drinking game. things got complicated when my friend confessed to me, in an unexpecting way that made me so shocked i fell apart when my mind started running and the alcohol got the best part of my emotions. yes, the truth hurts but i'm not forcing love, it's suppose to happen naturally. well, i got super wasted cause i didnt know what to do or how to face him, we didnt talk for days but recently we did again and well, its just general now, but things been really different. spoke to one of my close friends whom i use to sort of date, well we spoke out openly and we both just missed a chance and after that talk i felt kind of sad cause now he's into someone else and so am i, and we're bestfriends, so yeah, but merdeka he was there and we drove around in my friends car, talked and smoked and just relaxed. we actually went to see fire crackers at bukit tunku but we were facing the back so we could only see abit. well, 31st august. dead and gone, now is just another holiday so yeah.. went back to friends house to drink then well i didnt feel like drinking so i just chilled in few different cars of my friends and just listened to music and drive around. after that played a game of speed, lost so had to down one cup and since i was hungry i got high. then just chilled with friends till 6 then went home and sleep till next day. trials started today 1st september, well exams for 3 weeks then taking driving license, get my range rover. got it all planned out ehhe. then well hmmm, now im planning a schedule for my daily use till SPM then next years is a whole new schedule. hmm well thinking of it, 3 months to graduation and prom and highschool is over, we're all planning road trip and stuff so yeah.. can't wait just a few more months of struggling then freedom till college.. hmmm its like when i think back and i remember how mischevious and cheeky i been during highschool times, the rules i broke, the stupid things i did and how everything was a game, starting to grow out of that already. serious times are coming, parents are putting alot of responsibitlity on me being the oldest and parents are getting old so yeahh.. i can say highschool, i made a lot of mistakes and done alot of stupid things but i would say i gained alot of new experiences with no regrets. now waiting for a new chapter. well basicly i just wrote a book all about my friends, family and studies and future, now the last part, how my love life has just been flat and dull, well it isnt so bad after all. i got alot of things to do and i'm not happy nor sad to be single its a neutral thing, but i do have someone in mind and well there's someting different about him, he's not like any of the guys i ever met but i know he likes someone else and well, this year has taught me some pretty weird things about love i never knew.. my first heart break, my first love, how karma works, and how a guy feels when the girl just doesn't understand. i dont know how guys can chase a girl till he gets her but i respect them for that, it's really hard and now i know how all my past boyfriends and such feel. ouch! but i definitely learned something new.

i was afraid to talk to you
but now that i spoke to you
i was afraid to know you
but now that i know you
i'm afraid to like you
but now that i like you
i'm afraid to love you
but now i know,
i cant have you.

LOLLIPOP. <3