walls.

everytime you think you can walk away and you've built something so strong. you're wrong. forgetting to built another shield was my biggest mistake thinking he couldnt get to me. thinking i couldnt love him more. every little bit counts and theres no reason to feel anything at all. but i do. the things in a relation some too personal everyone already knows so. whats the big secret now. somethings i didnt want to say already have been said. its just the second part to this getting over when i thought i was already finished. Back at step 1.

love.

is actually a beautiful thing. what makes it ugly is emotions and obstacles. love is design such that it sweeps you right off the ground. but the decisions made by one is what makes it painful and disappointing. no one really fears love. just the fear of emotions and feeling of emptiness caused by some one. we are surrounded by love in all forms. love makes the world go round.

melt down.

when i thought i was so fine. so over it. so sure. i found myself curled up on my bed crying to the sound of your voice. your name i repeated over and over again. i hurt myself by pressing call. i cant say i love you but i cant say it doesn't hurt.

your blood on my hands.

Recently, I been thinking I was so happy. So free. But then I took a step back and realized how much the past I have forgiven but can't forget anytime soon. There was at one point I caught him off the ground, bleeding. His blood on my hands. There's been a fight. And I could never bare to see him like that. I broke down with him. The phone rings, sometime after the break up. It was an old "friend" calling and asking for my x, lets just call him SK. I told him we were over and what ever problems and issues he had he should call SK or his girl friend. But my "friend" insisted to meet with me and talk. I was and am for sure, something is very wrong, and if not mistaken another fight will be around the corner. I don't know what to do. Talking to my friends, I realize why should I bother, its not my business anymore but it hurts and I don't want to see him hurt. Not like that. As we kept talking over lunch it occur to me that he just used me as a wall. Whatever fights a boyfriend gets into, one should never bring his girl friend. But he did. It's all starting over again. All the things I covered up for SK, I can't do it now. It's just not my say anymore. I hope he mans up and settle it himself. Cause I can't be settling his shit. Not anymore. I don't want to be the girl I use to be. The wild and doing dodgy things. But it's hard to change. I been living a wild life. I'm not like who I was back when I was younger and I am not who I am 4 years ago. All this mess has just made me lose myself along the way. I need to see the light. I know no one can help me fight the battle with my heart but myself.

je t'aime mais je ne peux pas maintenant. il ya juste trop de choses en cours et il est salissante. i besoin de temps pour penser.

17th. <3

finally 17.thanks guys for making it all worth while. <3

Je suis en amour avec vous, mais il ya trop de choses dans notre façon pour nous de toujours être ensemble.

him.

he's not like the kind of guys i date. he's not the kind of guy who gets into fights. he's not the bad boy type. he's not the guy that would go all out. he's not the guy you'd see drunk and disturbing chicks. he's not the guy you'd see going to a sluts house secretly. he's not the guy who would leave you and walk off. he's shy. he's sensitive. he talks commando stuff. he's a little weird. he's a geek. he's not that guy who would push you away. you know he wouldn't slap you. he's not the guy on drugs. he's not the guy who'd swear at you. nor yell. he's not the who'd hurt you for revenge. he's not the guy who loves to fight. he's not the guy who'd take advantage of you. he's jealous. he cares. he's real. he's not the guy i thought i would LOVE. but why can't i let him into my heart?

when it was you and me.

since my last heart break. i put all of me to get over. now im left with this fear. a voice in my head. it told me to run. when things got to serious. so i did. from mr.tall and mr. dj. then theres him. he took things slow and made me feel great. but things got in the way that made me pull back. suddenly on his bday i decided to tell him i loved him. i regreted actually cause things got more complicated and it started this rushing kind of feel. he said too much. i already know how you feel but you kept constantly reminding me and crowding me. i felt like i was in a room and the walls keep closing in on me. i freaked out. and took my heart back and ran. everyone's shocked seeing us walk down the street together. i know. its not like the guys i been with and dated. shocking yes i agree. everyone kept asking me and saying " what you doing with him" and things like " i know you need a rebound but he's serious about you." i never said he was a rebound. not that i know of. im not sure anymore. things are hard. we're two different people from different worlds. we do different things for fun. and it just hard. i love him but its just not possible to be together. i cant see us. i miss the times in PD when nothing mattered at all. it was just him and my bestfriend.

imagination.

on the beach we'd have a picnic and we'd enjoy each others company. you'd lift me up into the sky and spin me around. the wind in my hair never felt so relaxing and you put me down in your arms. we take long walks by the beach as you hold my hand tight. then back in the chalet i see them waiting as we're sitting in the jacuzzi in our room. surrounded by luxurious food and the company of funny and wonderful people. a day where everything seems so perfect and nothing could hurt me. invulnerable. in a club with my girls. and in the night, we'd all look up and bless the broken roads that made us cross paths. one door closes and another opens. you look at the person on the right and left. its not imagination. its the people you love. and its the best time of your life.
LETS MAKE A MEMORY.

close your eyes.

there's just too much drama. at this point. i dont care anymore. those people out there talking nonsense mean nothing to me so im blocking them out. im happy with my friends, him and my life. i dont need anyone getting in my way or interfearing. enough is enough. things are getting too much. my blog is for my close friends and my personal use. lying is the last thing id do for any form of attention FYI. and whatever is it. life is just a path way to heaven. so be it. its my bday soon and i want to have fun. not think about this nonsense. to anything that hurts and irritates. i will turn my head away. ive got everything i need here. and no matter what anyone says. you dont know me enough to judge me. the past is the past. im living in the present now. and the future will bring me challenges i will learn to face. hello a new day.=D

naive bitch.

you're psycho and paranoid. get a grip. your scold me for what i put on my blog calling it false events. i have better things to do than tell lies like you. you simple put words in my mouth. but the truth is you dont know the truth. believe him as you should cause he's your bf, do i have to point that out for you. you're a sad mistake getting to know. to me you're just a boyfriend stealer and a whore that will fuck anyone when she's high. man alot of people dont like you at all. now i know why. you tell me to bring him and confront you. why you doubting him now? i dont need to clarify anything to you. who are you to me. just a trouble maker. you said im not over him. who are you to tell me how to feel. telling me the first love is part of life and what so ever. who are you and how well do you know he's my first love. i already know him but you're just at the starting line. tell me how it goes when you're in tears and he leaves you. you think you're fantastic and tell me how to be and to grow up. no you grow up. you said you wont leave me alone unless i come confront you. no thanks. you're face is not worth looking at and you're not worth my time. slut. stay out of my blog.

Pathetic.

You're so stuck on yourself. And pls you dont even have the guts to say it to my face. You have a problem but you cant even confront me. Instead you talk shit and live in your fantasy world. Whatever you're so pathetic. No one asked you to read my blog. And i think you should read back everything you said. Cause it looks like its reflecting on you. Not me. Why dont you just keep your nose out of my bussiness. No ones forcing you to believe what I say. Believe whoever you want. The truth will come out one day. And i have nothing to lose. Its just a relationship. Its a part of life. I moved on, maybe its time you did too. Despite how pathetic you been acting. I dare you to come front and ask me and him. Go ahead turn on the spot light. You seem more into it than i am anyway. Besides i have no interest in neither of you. And i dont have a reason to lie. Cause the truth is in front of me. Someday it'll be infront of you.

In loving memory of a friend. R.I.P. and may your soul be blessed. We wont forget you.

Kelvin's Bday

We celebrated Kelvins bday on saturday night. We went to have Sushi King in the Curve. I didn't know what to get him for his bday so i bought him dinner. We ate 1 unagi set, 1 chicken set, and 1 udon noodles and 8 side dishes and green tea. Its more than it sounds like, trust me. I expected the bill to be almost 110rm but the bill came to only 32.20rm. The staff forgot to calculate everything. So techinically we had a free dinner. Later we went to Starbucks and had double chocolate chip. i lovee. movie was at 12.10am so we just sat and talked about everything. The movie, i didnt really like it. It was draggy and brutual. Not my kinda thing. Its called "The Last House On The Left". After the movie we went back to Kelvin's and he sent rach and i back. After dropping off rach, we walked around the park just talking about our past and being silly. We had tuition in the morning. I ended up not going. Well HAPPY BDAY KELVIN! sorry didnt do much for you :)

Picture to burn by taylor swift

State the obvious, I didn't get my perfect fantasy
I realize you love yourself more than you could ever love me
So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy
That's fine i'll tell mine you're gay
And by the way...

[Chorus:]

I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who's really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
As far as I'm concerned you're
Just another picture to burn

There's no time for tears,
I'm just sitting here planning my revenge
There's nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends
And if you come around saying sorry to me
My daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be

[Repeat Chorus]

If you're missing me,
You'd better keep it to yourself
Cause coming back around here
Would be bad for your health...

I hate that stupid old pickup truck
You never let me drive
You're a redneck heartbreak
Who's really bad at lying
So watch me strike a match
On all my wasted time
In case you haven't heard,
I really really hate that..

[Repeat Chorus]

Burn, burn, burn, baby, burn
You're just another picture to burn
Baby, burn...

*walks away from burning* "Over it!"

that girl.

you stole my boyfriend and you're bitching about me and saying how im trying to break you guys apart. funny. real funny. the thing is you dont know what you got yourself into at all. why are you so paranoid? if u trust him you wouldnt be all up in my bussiness. but you are. you told me to grow up? haha well thats a funny thing. i think im way more matured than u and i can think straight. i dont go around stealing ppls bf or making false accusations about me. and common use your head and think. why would i make this stuff up. besides my blog is for my own personal down pour no one told you to be so busy body and get yourself hurt. i remember when you came and asked me for the truth but i didnt want to tell you. im not telling you anything either now. so get your nose out of my bussiness. and btw he's ur bf now not mine. so he's your problem. and fyi i dont love him. im over him and why dont u grow up. but one heads up, i dont hve a reason to lie to the world and you have no right to comment on my relationship with him. it was us and now its u. so let it be. i dont care anymore. so stop worrying. he's nothing to me anymore. not after what has happened. and i blame you.

shisha and swimming :)

rasta shisha.

the funniest teddy bear you'll ever know.the ladies man :P.the cow lover.the food.

the old me.

sometimes i stop to think. i used to be the worst girlfriend ever and you'd love to call me a slut. i used to play with people's hearts and flirt around. girls would hate me and keep their boyfriends away from me. i admit i was a player and i fooled around. i partied like the end of the world. id go all out. but then i met this guy and he changed everything about me. i became more laid back and chilled out. it changed me for better i guess. when we broke up i thought id be the old player me. but no not anymore. the one guy that changed my life showed me what karma is. i guess when i really loved him. he was what it takes for me to understand all the hearts i broke. and i just wanted to say (if you guys are reading this) im sorry. i didnt mean to. i really didnt know what love tasted like until i had my heart broken. and now even if i had the chance to be who i used to be. i think i like me better now. i do still have my fair shares of wild life but im more to chilling now. i guess he was a gift to my life as i learned something new. i guess "the old me is dead and gone"

flashback.

its been 3 months and 1 week since we broke up. i stop and take a breathe. i cant cry anymore. i THINK i dont love you anymore. and i miss nothing. i look at white myvis and i dont think of you anymore. i hear your name but i dont see your face in my mind. i THINK im over you. i hope im sure. i stopped to think our love was everything it could be in that moment. but when you broke my heart and i didnt try to get you back. i knew something between us was gone. not because we didnt love each other. it all just went away. it took me 3 hard weeks of crying myself to sleep. and hearing your voice and seeing your face i wanted you back. but i dont regret turning my back when you asked for a good night kiss through the phone. i keep having this dream and feeling. its like im chasing a butterfly. every time i get close enough i trip and fall and it slips through my fingers. there i stand emotionless. EMPTY. ive been awfully down recently and i dont know why. but it doesnt hurt. i feel like im alone in the world. yet im not. something's missing. i just dont know what.

raise an eyebrow.

my bestfriend has the weirdest admirers. one of them added me today and talked to me. no idea why. she started asking how i know my bestfriend, lets call him BN. she asking me things about me like digging for gold. freaking me out. i was told by BN shes a little obsessive. freaky. i feel so invaded by this girl. maybe its just my suspicion. but i am a little disturbed. plus, she cant stop talking :S. save me.

thursday.

today was way better than the last 3 days. woke up. met him. went to school together. then did our own thing. finishing up my projects and school work. i need to start jogging again. fat again. ahhh! darn the holidays ;P. nothing to do today. no tuition. just going to study later and jog. not sure about to night so far no plans. friday's coming. so soon. times passing so fast and its gonna be my bday soon. this means i can get my license:). not doing anything this year. just go out and lepak. intan will be back so i wanna spend time with her. and hmm nothing much new. pretty tired so im gonna take a nap now. byebye

Your Vagina faces disgust me.

i dont need your recognition to what i do. and hey, get your facts right before saying a word, or butting in like u know it all. cause clearly, I DONT CARE about you or what you have to say. and i definitely dont need your lies and bullshit, so bitch. shut up and tell you what, next time you want to say something about me or my life or what i do, look in the mirror and tell me how are you any better when all youre doing is talking shit about people, being a busy body, a hipocrit, and you do this all for the attention you can never get. just pathetic and lame of you. just keep your thoughts to yourself and get your disgusting vagina face out of my sight cause all i can see written on your face is " IM DESPERATE! ".

cleaning out my closet[edited]

"Cleanin Out My Closet"
[edited version]

Where's my snare, I have no snare in my headphones, there ya' go, yeah, yo', yo'...

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against, I have, i've been protested and demonstrated
against, picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at the times, sick is the mind of the
motherfuckin' kid that's behind, all this commotion, emotions run deep as ocean's explodin',
tempers flaring from parents, just blow 'em off and keep goin', not takin' nothin' from no one,
give 'em hell long as i'm breathin', keep kickin' ass in the mornin', an' takin' names in the
evening, leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinegar in they mouth, see they can trigger me but
they'll never figure me out, look at me now, I bet ya' probably sick of me now, ain't you DADDY,
i'ma make you look so ridiculous now...

[CHORUS]

I'm sorry DADDY, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm
cleanin' out my closet, {one more time}, I said i'm sorry DADDY, I never meant to hurt you, I
never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm cleanin' out my closet...

I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it, so before they thrown me
inside my coffin and close it, i'ma expose it, i'll take you back to '73, before I ever had a
multi-platinum sellin' Cd, I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months, my faggot DADDY,must have had his pantie's up in a bunch, cause he split, I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye,NO WAY.
no I don't on second thought, I just fuckin' wished he would die, I look at Hailie and I
couldn't picture leavin' her side, even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try, to make it
work with her at least for Hailie's sake, I maybe made some mistakes but i'm only human, but i'm
man enough to face them today, what I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb, but the smartest
shit I did was take them bullets out of that gun, cause id'a killed 'em, shit I would have shot
Kim and him both, it's my life, i'd like to welcome y'all to the Eminem show...

[CHORUS]

Now I would never diss my own DADDY just to get recognition, take a second to listen who you
think this record is dissin', but put yourself in my position, just try to envision witnessin'
your DADDY poppin' prescription pills in the kitchen, bitchin' that someone's always goin'
through HIS THINGS and shits missin', going through public housing systems, victim of
Munchausen's syndrome, my whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't 'til I grew
up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to ya' stomach, doesn't it, wasn't it the reason you made
that Cd for me, DAD, so you could try to justify the way you treated me, DAD, but guess what, your
gettin' older now and it's cold when your lonely, and Nathan's growing up so quick, he's gonna
know that your phoney, and Hailie's getting so big now, you should see her, she's beautiful, but
you'll never see her, she won't even be at your funeral, see what hurts me the most is you won't
admit you was wrong, bitch, do your song, keep tellin' yourself that you was a DAD, but how dare
you try to take what you didn't help me to get, you selfish bitch, I hope you fuckin' burn in
hell for this shit, remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me, well guess
what, I am dead, dead to you as can be...

dear father.

dear father,
i hate everything about you! why do i love you? well i dont have a fucking choice since you're my fucking father.or are you? since u weren't even fucking sober when u had me and you wanted to give me up for adoption, yes idiot.you think im stupid, mom told me everything..wait...are u sure u even got the right kid from the hospital???doesn't look like it.you werent like other dads.you were never around when i grew up and u were never around to catch me when i fall like other fathers.mom did every fucking thing.you think i dont know what goes around this family trust me i do.and believe me, im out of here when im done with my exams.ill only come back to see mom.all you were good at was working and making money and leaving a mess for this family to clean up.you were afraid of babies and you hate kids.big mistake in the --- that night, daddy.well im all grown up and who are you to come around and tell me who i should be.its abit to late.happy fucking father's day!

from the daughter you lost long ago.

hear me.

im single, but i am dating some one and i think he's a pretty great guy, and everyone deserves a second chance to change so be it. dont like it? that's not my problem, i know you guys are looking out for me, but the things you say or do isnt really helping me. this is not the first time you guys made me jeopardize my own relationship with all the things you guys have said and penetrated my mind with. life's a learning lesson and i will take the risk and consequences. just be there when i fall. that's all i need right now. cause u know im weak and ur words cuts me like blades. so please i just need your support in letting go of my x and being happy and maybe one day give love one more shot.but for now im gonna love from a distance.

crush me, im all ears.

this will be the day, i cry like this after a long time. im falling for a guy, and we have the best time together and he makes me feel like everything's gonna be just fine and he makes me feel like how i never felt in a long time. a feeling i lost since my first love. he's every dose of love i need to forget this pain. moving on. but then it all crumbles down in front of me. my friends are telling me what a bad person he is, and saying what a horrible boyfriend he is. i dont want to believe them but the words they say, pierce my heart like a blade, reminding me how much it hurt when i got my heart broken with my x. then this little voice inside of me tells me how much it hurts and how much i shouldn't love him. shouldn't even try. then it makes me all want to give up but i dont want to let him go. people are giving me shocked expressions, why? what's wrong? i know you guys are trying to look out for me, but its killing me inside with the things you say. and no matter how much i wanna love him, my heart wont let me. no matter how much i wanna be with him, i just could never do that to her, she loves him and my x still loves me. the difference is he's over it, but im not so sure if im over my x. its all really confusing. it was so peaceful and perfect during the holidays. but school just ruined everything. i dont know what to do.

drama queens and kings take your seat.

highschool drama is full of gossip and bitching. Yeap! Don't we just love it all. People, i know you think you're awesome and better than every one else, but walking into a toilet seeing another girl and you just have to stop and stare, and roll your eyes.. haha now that's just plain jealousy, well for u anyway...have u looked in the mirror or maybe u think im stealing your boyfriend..haha no. its your own fault you sold him out like you did with all my friends so tough luck, bitch. And for the people who love to spread rumours, i know why you do it, i just dont know why you bother trying. HIGHSCHOOL DRAMA NEVER ENDS! So face it, bitches will be bitches and dicks will be dicks. But what's life without a little drama. It's all love and hate.


It's about to be what?? Girl fight !!!



but then again, guys are more egoistic :P. they'll even make it more challenging. PRICELESS.

monday blues.

heyy morning people, guess what! its the monday blues again...back! again!! after 3 weeks break!! Nooo! the horrror.. you wouldnt believe the coffee i drank this morning..no way...its like pure coffee powder with a lil water...yeap! that bad! thats how much i hate waking up early the fact i sleep really late...got back some results..well..didnt do too well..but well is started jogging again and taking my husky for walks...need the burn off the holiday fats !!!went to dessert bar in mont kiara today.. not so fantastic as at hsc. well tomorrow is another day!! study study!!!then party all night long haha...:) ttfn..

Dessert Bar

i lovee :D

Port Dickson

To sum up our holiday we took a drive down to pd on a friday morning. rach and kelvin stayed over so it would be easier to travel and they were lazy. the following night we just talked and fell asleep. We woke up at 10.30am had breakfast and left. We took alot of wrong turns and wasted 2 hours getting there. We finally reached our destination and the room was pretty cool. it had swirling stairs and 2 floors..mum brother and lina stayed upstairs meanwhile me rach and kel stayed downstairs.we went to the beach and ate and well yeah...nothing much in PD...just ate, slept and drank and sleep and ate. Haha well but it was really fun! Alot of memories.

keep me holding on.

i saw him today. we waved at each other from far. i didn't think he'd come up to me and start up a conversation. it started out friendly and interesting, to catch up and all. i shocked his hand, then he asked for a hug. i denied at first with a reason f being lazy, but i did anyway. he hugged me like how he used to, i wanted to fall into his arms, but i remembered he has a girlfriend now. so it just isn't right. it was a little awkward. then he left back to his table, he texted me. asking me to let him know before i left. well then before i left i paid the bill and bryan waved at me, for some reason he smacked bryan's hand. i went over to say hi to everyone there, gf wasn't there so yeah. then he stood up and hugged me and whispered, miss me. i avoided the topic and he asked if i was ok, i lied and told him i was never better. then he repeated "miss me" then i just said " dido". then i went off. he texted me saying "you know i do" then we just texted for awhile, towards the end, he told me to take care and everything then he was like where's my gnite kiss. i couldn't refuse but. i couldn't so i just replied i would but it just isnt right. i'm getting by, hurts less, didnt cry this time =). but i just dont understand what he's doing, the way he hugged me i could still feel it, the love we shared but he's with someone else, yet he gives me this hope. i am clearly not sure anymore, but i will do what i do and go with the flow.

11 june.

today i woke up at 12 something, had my bath and went for tuition in pasar seni, kasturi. we had science and bmelayu ttuition. you know what's the lamest way to get someones attention...pulling their hair...lol...wtf...some guy behind me just pulled my hair...and i ate my watermelon lolly pop...heee i loveee...well...yeah after science...we ponteng bm...hahah...boring shits...no people also...cause we went for the late class..wanted makan beef noodles..but couldnt :( well..long story...but i ate this shitty lamb chop...my fucking god...dying to swallow....but i was hungry...then later chilled at mamak..then went to petaling street...people there....damn kecoh laa....a chick can never feel safe in this world seriously...then went back later..by then...just went to hsc to get some stuff..got john to pick me up...walked half way to rach's house..then met up with john and all...went shisha in rasta and makan...i had my waffle and carbonara...mmm..i likeeee...i could do 'o' but once a lucky while ehhe...we chilled till almost 12.30 i think...yeah had fun.. but there's a down side to my happy night out...read the post 'keep me holding on' yeap..but thanks to them guys and jasmine giving me mental support..i didnt break down..yet till i met up with kelvin and rach...drove mums care to pick them up..hehe we're heading to PD tmw..wheee..finally..

kills me.

every time i hear break up and moving on songs, it still cuts me deep. then i fall into this phase where i feel like your leaving me all over again. but i know i can't take back the past. i'm keeping as happy as i can and i wanna let myself be me and do the things i do, without having no one tell me who to be and what to do. "standing on my own two feet."

wishful thinker.

do you ever wonder...

[1]how we got together?
Simple, I ignored you, you tried because of the challenge. I hated you, but you found my heart, I fell for you, then we were in love.

[2]why did we break up?
The longer we were together, the more we got use to each other, then we had other wants in life, i got carried away with my life and you with yours. The difference is, you found interest in someone else cause she had time to be around you, while i stayed patient trying to believe your every lie. Later, to only find out you lied, betrayed and cheated on me, giving me apologies and excuses. This time i dont believe you.

[3]how did i find out?
How long do you think you could keep it a secret when we shared the same circle of friends..picture proofs cant be a lie now can it..everything laid out infront of me, when you were lying you forgot to cover your tracks.

[4]What did you say to everyone?
Well, this is the best part, you met a chick, lied to me and everyone saying "we broke up cause we had no time for each other." yes, i said that to everyone for you, but my friends know what you did. You cheated on me, then covered up. You left me, cause you wanted to be with her and i was too busy to entertain you.

[5]what's the case now?
The issue now is that, you're calling me and telling me you love me, miss me and is sorry..you're telling me to hold on for as long as i can, yes. you do that when your chick isnt around, but when she is, i'm DEAD to you. you tell our friends that you still love me, and have no time for me...really? you have no time for me, but you have a new gf. interesting. you wont admit she's with you, you say you don't know what you're feeling, you keep me hanging on. you say "i dont see us together now, i see us together in the future."

[6]method of solution?
I'm letting you go, each second slowly and painfully. if we're meant to be, then see you soon. but that's so far ahead, i'm going to live my life my way.

butterflies.

hello there, andreaa is bored and is feeling happy, so she decided to dedicate something to the butterflies.

yummy yummy yummy,
there are butterflies!
in my tummy?!
they make me giggle.
i like butterflies.

but HEY!! guess what? andreaa's allergic to butterfly wings. yeah! i know.

A theory on butterflies...wheee!!!



"a butterfly.so beautiful, colorful and free; wild, yet delicate and cheeky.step 1- hold it in your hand, step 2- hold it close to your lips, step 3- whisper a secret; wish(something between you and the butterfly). step 4- slowly let it go. you'll learn two things: [1] if the butterfly comes back : when you love someone, you have to let them go when it's time(no matter what reason or if its the right thing), and if its meant to be, it'll come back to you, for what its worth. [2] the ancient Greek believed that, butterflies are wishful creatures and they will bring your wishes up to the Gods, and if reasonable, will be granted, well basicly, it's telling you to have a little faith, in everything you do."

for all the hard times.

i sat down thinking about the things that we've been through, the good and the bad. i started wondering and pondering over questions of why's and if's. then i stoppped, had some ice cream and went back to my thinking-bed. i was thinking back of the rumours i heard, the things that people been saying, judging me and my x's relationship and talking shit about me. let me tell u this, you don't know what happened, you weren't there and what ever happened between him and i, has none of your concerns. believe what you want to believe, say what you want to say. but i can say this, my friends, my real friends, they know me, and they would never judge me without asking the truth from me. and i don't lie, unless i have to, but in this case, i have nothing to hide. what happened between me and him will remain with me. but hear this, yes its okay to be sad, its okay to feel emotion, but break ups are just a part of life, as we are young we may feel like its the end of the world and nothing could be worst than this, but we are so wrong. so i'm okay. and since happen for a reason, and u know u gave it ur best and honest hand in it, you've got nothing to lose. Nothing at ALL.

this song is for the people who never gave love a chance and threw it away without trying.[it's just a song, dont get ur head wrapped in it.]
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/leonalewis/thebestyouneverhad.html

lost.

: when you're stuck between two choices, it's called being lost.

long time ago
she was this little girl
soft and weak
she was often judged and mislead
she's been hurt and crushed
her little soul
by the people around her
the people she most trust

then she grew up
only to collide
from home
found love somewhere out there
to only be betrayed by them
they call themselves
she thought she met someone
after a long journey
only to find out
its just a game we played

she came closer
to being a woman
only to find him
but turns out
he was just another game too
she lost herself
in the mist of love
that was lost long ago

she turned to everything
they called a depressant
the challenge of the devil
she changed from the sweet
innocence little girl
who cried all night
to a tough rugged girl
you would never thought
you could hurt her
but you do

in present day
she wakes up and realizes
this is only the beginning
as we are young
we easily feel the world is at ends
when we shed tears
but as we grow
to find out
love and life
is just bitter sweet honesty

everything happens
cause it has to
we live day by day by it
she knows she's lost
when she thought she lost you
but now
i see the light
slowly i will walk
towards the thing i feared most
but i know it'll be okay
leaving your words behind.

hope for the worst.

6th june 2009.
7:22pm.

the day of kai quan's party there was some drama...our trip to PD was canceled.I already paid first by credit card and last minute my friend cancels on me...i was freaking pissed off. First was Kapas, then genting, then PD...i dont know...but all i know is my mum did her con woman moves and canceled her credit card so she wouldnt have to pay for the room with no people..smoking like a train at that time, had a little talk with chun kit...poor fellow...hahaha cant walk properly.. well not long later food came and kai quan came..we were starving...the minute we screamed surprise we didnt run to him we ran to the pizza's...later on he was pushed into the pool..so were the other guys lol..rach, pei jun, jasmine and i decided to swim...secretly without the guys knowing cause we didnt even bring swimming suits...haha you wouldnt guess what we did...we took off our clothes and jumped in....freaking cold i swear...ahaha i like jasmine...i didnt know she was damn sporting...i was scared of her last time ehehe(if ure reading, yes i was)...while swimming we kept hiding from the guys...hiding under water and all..haha then i got caught by Wai mun..haha but they only recognised me..then later we got halau by the guards....the guards just watched us...i didnt even know...but wtv...it looked like a bikini since my colours matched...lol...after swimming and chilling...i got a missed call...it was 'him'...called him back and ask him to call back...it started out okay actually just laughing and talking casually...then things got messy...we both started crying...whatever we talked about is just between us and if u want to know, ask me personally. That phone call made me stronger at some parts but made me so much weaker and back at step 1 at some parts...suddenly i turned around, everyone was behind me watching me cry so i told him i had to go then i went back home...later me and rach did the usual, bathe and cook and makan just chilled..if not mistaken met up with kelvin...my days been practically like that...things been getting so complicated since then...i sms him, he sms me...we call and talk...and one will end up crying first...i was pretty low one night in curve...i just pulled away from any form of attention...watched 17 again....good movie...there was one part where Zac effron read the later and it hit me..i was crying in the cinema...went back home....back some brownies and pasta....yummy...pretty ggood...then later i was still crying to the sound of my music...i was pretty cold to my friend...i kinda fought with him and told him off...i didnt mean it..i just felt so pressured by everyone...is like i fell apart and let myself fall...but now im straightening things out slowly...hopefully...things are okay...had a date yesterday..with my bestfriend...i enjoyed it...i did...i liked him..but long time ago...i just cant see me with anyone else right now...and i know what's his every move cause he used the same trick on my bestfriend when he was going for her...she told me everything..she's the best...i love youuu rachhie!!she's always been there for me...so as the others...well after my date...met up with jimmy and hafiz...chilled a little...then met up with apat...we planned to go PD today ehe...we chilled at Mcd's and guess what! I can do '0' with ciggs smoke now hehe...fine not a big deal but yeah...there they were mocking me...usual..haha but its cool...pretty funny...insulting but funny...later chilled at jimmy's...he sent me to kelvin's...otw there i asked him about this chick i heard about..he said he likes her but she has too many guys so he's just waiting...then met up with kelvin go ronda ronda...and faggg...then b4 i went off...we agreed...to go with the flow and not think so hard about anything...it was the happiest night ive had in a long time...the next morning..got a text from 'him'...then spoke on the phone for a while..the text was about my baby cousin...missed 'him' and wanted to see him..but he left already...so it was too late...just not fate for us to meet hmm...we spoke and i ended up crying this time...but at least i still get to hear the words and know how he feels about me too...yesh...its 7.10pm...i woke up and hour ago...im gonna bathe and go out soon...so yeahhh....to everyone, thank you for everything and supporting me and sorry for any form of hurt ive caused upon u with the fact that im broken.i love you guys.

thank you for the best time of my life.
not a single regret.
iloveyou.

thank you guys for always being there.
and letting us lepak at ur place.
miss you guys.

my childhood friends.
you guys mean alot to me,
eventhough we aren't as close,
i love you guys.

Doesn't get better than this. <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFEtgExW_ps3D9o0PKfxkx2XrFdHWThB90v4bD__rrgNPIZjctMlmdYsFmmA00K31OUxkv3H3sZWgbJE5MZhL9DGzHDzitlTbH0smHQj1niiEeCgS1mdK2DNtIIPd0zZIigZu9Wm-SxmaA/s1600-h/16112007.jpg">how could we forget,
the perfect memory and friends i could ask for
the best girls and sweetest guys.

i dont have any other pictures of all of you guys,
but just know you're all as important
and wouldnt be where i am without
the support and care from you guys.
andreaa loves you.

sugar baby.

It's been a little weird these days..well i've met up with my x's cousins...had dinner and chilled out...it was okay..its just that he didnt tell them we broke up so its kinda weird..and its rlly sad that i had to lie to them when they asked me what happened...i just told them that we broke up cause we had no time for each other and wanted to straighten our studies out..yes! a huge lie. I actually could have just told them what happened, the truth about his new chick and all...but i just dont have the heart to do that to him despite how much it hurts. i also dont wanna be the cause of a family conflict, although we managed to get so close to each others family, there's just somethings better left unsaid...well i been texting him...a little...and just checking up on him...and well..he told me to take care and all...at least one thing i know is that he didnt just forget everything and threw it away for nothing..well and i spoke to the dad recently...he's doing good...except the fact that the dad smsed '....want to see you guys together FOREVER!' shocked me! hell yeah. i mean i know what we've been through and i know how close everything got...but forever? hha maybe one day if its fate but now..no...well..yesterday went drinking..i had bit too much...the rest of what happened...should not be mentioned...well all i remember is that i kept saying " i hate him" well yeah ahhahaa..nothing much tonight...going to ryan's apartment for Kai Quan's surprise party...:) wheee.