walking back on broken roads.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOwuu0UQdiY


As I sprawled across the floor yesterday, lost sense of direction, hope and constantly thinking of all the terrifying things flashing pass me like it was my last moment, felt so alone and couldn't feel anything more, like a normal reaction, just fell to the ground on my knees and hugged my knees while trying to hold back the pain and tears, but it kept on coming, ended up I was lying on the floor, as if being stabbed and lying in a pool of blood, it was my own tears, feeling like no one can help me now, the people around me kept calling and texting me, trying to check up on me, knowing me the last time I was like this I fell from grace and was in horrendous state, feeling so confused, didn't want to speak to anyone, but did anyway, had to get out of the house, but it's so hard, to walk out everyday, and put on a fake smile, 'so busy out there, so lonely inside.' Had to pull myself together, cause a light bulb just popped in my head and common sense started rushing in my veins, ' get up' and ' you're stronger than this' with that, I just got up, got in the shower and poured my heart out to some of my very depressing songs and ironicly it was also raining at the time, home alone made things worst. Couldn't do this to myself, I thought, so just got out, got dressed and drove out, went out with a friend and tried to hard to pretend I was find and trying to not detail anything at all, went an caught a movie and just ate and tried on clothes and act like an idiot, but somehow doing all the above got me back up a little, then went to a friends house, she really surprised me and made me a little bit emotional, she remindes me so much of my bestfriend, the personality and the way they hold themself, she's pretty awesome for someone I got to know and figure about a little more in one day or so. The break down made me think, put me back in position, I spoke to my technical boyfriend, I told him, about for 6 months now I have been my old self and just being a bitch, but the break down made me have a wake up call, and I realize, I can't hide behind playing cards and breaking hearts, so I told him, with my heart I said this ' maybe you could be what I need to make me stop' because there's just something about his eyes that says so much but so hard to explain. Then again, I'm taking a risk and it's a chance I'm taking on myself and him, but there's a little part of me that has certain attraction but I told him straight to his face ' I'm not cheating' and I wont. No one can help me but myself and I know now, that the break down made me feel like I'm... human. All this time I been living heartless and cold for the 6 months but enough is enough, I dont deserve this. For those who knows what I been through in my past, you guys understand, and thank you for always being around for me. Andrea is learning to walk again.