when a storm comes dont dwell on it, just go dancing in the rain.

Everyone tries to be heartless and pretend to feel nothing at all but deep inside everyone is still human after all. Putting on a mask, running away from the problems as far as you think you can and lashing out anger in inhumane ways. I took the risk before and went down the most terrifying roads, it's like walking down a dark, creepy alley and you don't know who's or what's hiding in the corner. Something else, never give up or let go of something while it's still there, cause everyone needs to hold on to something, or they'll fall for anything, good or bad, it might destroy them. I've stopped trying to be heartless and cold, but only so clearly I can see a path which doesn't look too convincing to me. I gave up on the most important thing in a persons life but at the end of the day, it still only comes down to you and you alone, nothing else matters. I still cry in regret, because it was so easy to tell the world, but so hard to tell myself, when all I really want is to hear those three words and to be held like the little girls in the park and their daddy's. Not much time in my hands to fix what I'm missing, the sins caught up and it's just going to fall infront of me to my depts I will drop beside helplessly crying, yes am in still deep regret, I know it isn't trying, it's so hard to be done, but so easily said. I'm not a person who's very close to family, but if they need me I'll be there and I'd find away to be there, but they can't see what I'm doing for them and they think I can't see what they're doing for me. This family has given up everything to support people around us, to help people that aren't even thankful nor grateful for anything, till the point we forgot about ourselves and stranded out each others hearts to other things, keeping busy, keeping away from all the pain we feel inside, the empty lonely rooms and spaces just passing by. By far, I'm spending most of my time with friends and some how I am losing interest and missing my old lifestyle and friends, but I don't think I can go back in that far, afraid I'd fall back into my old demented self again which was so reluctant to feel anything at all, so I'd rather play on the safety grounds till I'm ready to see how they changed and how well my will power is. By now, I'm splitting myself in different directions, this group, that group, here and there, just slowly drowning in my own hole but this time I'm bringing some form of light with me to keep me secure on my actions. And I finally made my choice of who I'm staying with in this time of phase I'm going through, yes, I love him and I picked him, whatever choices I've left behind, with everything I do, I promise to draw my limits, and step back, a card game layed out and finish, skipping this next few rounds and just being there, with a heart but I'm afraid, the heart is just so far, deep, broken and gone, if to find out, I'm gambling this whole thing, trying to love someone with emotions, and commitment. Life's a gamble.

walking back on broken roads.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOwuu0UQdiY


As I sprawled across the floor yesterday, lost sense of direction, hope and constantly thinking of all the terrifying things flashing pass me like it was my last moment, felt so alone and couldn't feel anything more, like a normal reaction, just fell to the ground on my knees and hugged my knees while trying to hold back the pain and tears, but it kept on coming, ended up I was lying on the floor, as if being stabbed and lying in a pool of blood, it was my own tears, feeling like no one can help me now, the people around me kept calling and texting me, trying to check up on me, knowing me the last time I was like this I fell from grace and was in horrendous state, feeling so confused, didn't want to speak to anyone, but did anyway, had to get out of the house, but it's so hard, to walk out everyday, and put on a fake smile, 'so busy out there, so lonely inside.' Had to pull myself together, cause a light bulb just popped in my head and common sense started rushing in my veins, ' get up' and ' you're stronger than this' with that, I just got up, got in the shower and poured my heart out to some of my very depressing songs and ironicly it was also raining at the time, home alone made things worst. Couldn't do this to myself, I thought, so just got out, got dressed and drove out, went out with a friend and tried to hard to pretend I was find and trying to not detail anything at all, went an caught a movie and just ate and tried on clothes and act like an idiot, but somehow doing all the above got me back up a little, then went to a friends house, she really surprised me and made me a little bit emotional, she remindes me so much of my bestfriend, the personality and the way they hold themself, she's pretty awesome for someone I got to know and figure about a little more in one day or so. The break down made me think, put me back in position, I spoke to my technical boyfriend, I told him, about for 6 months now I have been my old self and just being a bitch, but the break down made me have a wake up call, and I realize, I can't hide behind playing cards and breaking hearts, so I told him, with my heart I said this ' maybe you could be what I need to make me stop' because there's just something about his eyes that says so much but so hard to explain. Then again, I'm taking a risk and it's a chance I'm taking on myself and him, but there's a little part of me that has certain attraction but I told him straight to his face ' I'm not cheating' and I wont. No one can help me but myself and I know now, that the break down made me feel like I'm... human. All this time I been living heartless and cold for the 6 months but enough is enough, I dont deserve this. For those who knows what I been through in my past, you guys understand, and thank you for always being around for me. Andrea is learning to walk again.

just collapsed.

Since the break I told myself " fuck relationships" they hurt and break you instantly and I said I was just going to not care anymore and the world was going to be my play ground, for the past 6 months I've been doing so, breaking hearts and pulling baits but now that I told myself I want to stop this cause I made a mess of this, my emotions are juggling around for so many people and being around so many is just making things real difficult to for me to breathe in a safety zone, afraid of being caught, maybe I used to play my cards right for all this time, but the one guy to sweep me off my feet made me change, after some time I threw the cards on the table and just gave up playing the game. But when karma hit me all in one shot witht the guy I loved entirely with my heart, I hated love, jaded and destroyed I just wanted to rebel against everything he did, everything but knowing I was once a card player to deserve this, too much in pain and regrets I just struck back and didnt care for anything or anyone at all. My outside is just another mask I need to carry on daily lives when I just know my iniside has been locked away and no one can ever entre under my account. I met someone just like me, every move and every step he took, I knew he understood me, and all the words just came out, then I had to stop and think, because I was already falling for him, but I knew something was so wrong and he made me think and open some small part of me, reminding me how much I loved someone, and how much playing cards hurts the opposite side, I didnt like the feeling so why should I do it to someone else, the feelings came rushing back in, and I just collapsed on the bed room floor feeling like I was alone in this world, feeling like there is just me and no one else and how much I want for him to know how much I miss and loved him from the deepest of my heart, they asked is your heart locked away because you're not over him or you're waiting for him, honestly I don't know anymore, I'm confused and just so lost touch with everything, I'm lost and I can't seem to find the way out, but I'm not planning on giving up, but now my emotions are unstable and I just can't breathe around this air anymore.