Change.

Yeah so I havent written in a long time...theres just too much going on to write anymore...so much easier if it was recorded haha...so yeah lets start from where i left offf...so its been a month plus since we've broken up...i just kept myself occupied by going out and partying...being high and alcohol was my resolution..yes i know it was super stupid to get myself all fucked up for a guy...but hell i rlly love him...it was like after the break up i just couldnt stop crying for weeks...slowly i just ran out of tears to cry...i went to langkawi and got high and drunk yet he was the only one on my mind...honestly there were two ways on mind...talk to him or just go get a guy and forget him. but at the end, it hit me, eventhough i had the chance with this guy that sudenly kissed me and confessed him feelings its not tht i didnt like him, i just couldnt like anymore...my heart was completely closed up. it was awkward but it turned out ok as i just pretended ntg happen but he pissed me off by constantly telling me he's not that kinda guy tht just wants sex..i know..i wasnt thinking tht until he bugged me so much about it that i just got so irritated...elle wanted me to just do what i do best and just go with it...well that was the old me...since shafiq im not like tht or tht kinda girl anymore...well most of me anyway..i know i had a lot of flings and all before or wtv but tht doesnt mean i have to be that girl now...i was so much younger and love was just a game...until i met shaf...or they call him "shaq" now...so yeah langkawi was great just that when we were suppose to go back...there were no ferrys and buses and it was raining so we stayed another day and i was rlly sick....once back in Kl i met up with everyone and its back to school and its highschool drama life..but i did meet this other guy...and old friend...we got rlly close...didnt expect to actually make out with him eventhough we were bestfriends...but he's way to busy and has way better girls than me...college girls matter of fact. I rlly fell for him but at the same time there was awkwardness between me and him and it just wouldnt work like tht..i havent seen him in a rlly long time though..the last time i saw him wee just kissed nothing more..he's a great friend but face it we both just arent ment for each other...then my other friend(no need to mention names) told me he liked me for a long time ....well i could never do that to her(my bestfriend), not after what happend between them...so i told him honestly i only want to be his friend and i could never do tht to my friend. so yeah..its cool...we're good...so now...i dont know....everything rlly confusing...even if i have as much attention i know it wont be like the one i use to have and love for sometime to come...i rlly do love all of them as they are rlly great friends but i just cant open my heart to love right now and i know if i tried id hurt them and myself...so whats the point...even after all this while...shaf is still non my mind...i dont know what to do...its been weeks and day and hours...but he still longers through me...i cant even hate him...but he has spoken to me in the past month...he told me that how i feel is how he feels too and he said that this break up hurts him too...so its harder for me...its like he gives me hope to hold on...and he wont even admit that he has a new gf and he's wit him..i duno...but clearly i knew he cheated with all the pics of them on her page...yeap...i looked and in her blog...he's been dating her since end of january...he only broke up with me in april.....so i dont know it hurts but i just cant hate him...well then i went to PD...it was fun but im hanving some heart problems now and all this wild life is killing me so im gonna try to minimize my alcohol and smoking...other than tht...ive been having exams since 11 may until 27 yesh super long haha...stressed out with friends and family and school and just everything around me...lied to my mum to skip tuition tht dy felt rlly bad but i was just way too tired to go...been with rach and kelvin alot been watching movies and everything...watched coming soon hahaa was fun and I love you man is awesome..should go watch. besides that nothing much....im just mixed up with this guy (he says were not dating) so i dun know what to call him at all...a date, a bf, a friend...but i guess its good he's taking it slow...well he thinks im this highclass girl thats way out of his league...im not...im just like everyone else...he's way more than what he gives himself credit for...i like him i rlly do...but i just cant open up anything to anyone right now...one things for sure...im surrounded by loving and absolutely awesome people and i love them to bits...was suppose to go to pulau kapas during the holidays but no one can make its off going to geting highlands instead...then i might be going down to singapore with elle and so yeah...im gonna fill up my time...try meet more people (not looking for bf or anything) just trying to look for better connections and everything for work and stuff like that...i wanna widen my scope and try new things....i mean honestly im sad shafiq is gone but i rlly suppressed myself for him and i pushed away everything as he didnt rlly like people and parties and stuff...he was the chill out kind...i didnt mind that but sometimes too much of something gets boring so yeah...dun get me wrong honestly, i dun have grudges with him and i think he was a great person before he met this girl now he's someone new or somthing he started lying to me...cheating and drugs...i know he was a good boy cause he was always the one watching out for me...but everyone says he's just a late bloomer so its a phase...he'll come to his senses...well yeah but i cant wait around forever so ill see how everything goes...i still wanna be his friend though...but im afrraid i cant control my emotions...and i dun wanna cause drama with the new girl...so yeah...but since everything happens for a reason..theres nothing much i can do...but anyway..i guess time will heal all and ill be back to track soon...