low.

i remember when life was so innocent and gossiping was a hobby and boys were disgusting. growing up from pretty colors and ribbons to make-up and dresses. that kind of thing. love was just a game to me. i was young and stupid. till i got my heart broken this year in april. no relationship or guy could ever get to me like - did. - was my first love. to me - was my everything. making - my everything was fun while it lasted. now it feels like i have nothing at all. i drowned in tears the first few weeks. then i eventually thought that i was over -. i met guys and got closer with them. to only find out. i didnt want any of them. who i really wanted isnt here anymore. three months later i had a melt down. confused and aggitated to know the truth i completely broke down and lost myself. i stopped. kept telling everyone i was fine and trying to stay positive. but i know i am lying to myself. hell it hurts like mad. no matter how much i like a guy or how close i am with one. i cant seem to open my heart and let him in. - i walked away. i avoided and ignored anyone who got close with me. when i knew my heart kept pushing it away. me away from love. paranoid i am. im fine when im occupied. but after a while it gets to me. all over again. i find it so hard to trust anyone now. to tell anyone everything like i used to. i use to have no secrets. now i have a million. sometimes i want to speak. but i dont want to hear their judgement or have them judge me. i dont want to have them worried about me and i dont want to spoil the mood. i also feel so alone in this world. as if no one is trustable anymore. i love my friends i really do. but i just feel i cant open up to anyone anymore. im slowly caving in on myself. im paranoid and hyper sensitive lately. i get irritated and want people around. im in the mood of trying something new. getting so high i cant feel anything at all. but then again what's the point in that. i want to talk to someone. i need a listener. im dying inside. i just want to scream and shout. i want to break glass and watch it shatter. i never ever in my life. felt so betrayed so crushed so deeply cut! until the point i lost trust in everything. even myself. i can feel my faith and hopes just drifting away. the lights are going out and im standing alone in a corner. i dont know what to do. im lost and it hurts. i dont need anyone's opinion on this. i know time will heal. dont say a word. its complicated enough. im drowning in my sorrows. and everyone is different. sometimes i just want to scream. all i know is i feel so low. never before i felt like this. i took - as a fling and 3 months later i fell for - but i didnt know that - slowly gave it. i wish i didnt do that cause in the end - left me without saying goodbye knowing how much it would hurt. i ended up loving - till today and that was my biggest mistake. a player got played. karma. i surrender.