a letter not sent.

31st may.
it's our anniversary...

Dear,
It's been 2 months and I know its pathetic that i still bother saying anything or thinking bout it. To tell you the truth, I never regret a single second with you, good and bad times.Why? Well cause I always knew we'd be okay. But this time was different. What happened, I still linger to know. I know I was not the best girlfriend, I know I was always getting upset. But hey, look at the reason why. I mean I didn't expect this and you should know that. You seem to view my profile, heard you checked up on me. I don't understand. But I always wanted to say this, I always felt not good enough for you, then I always tried to be better, some how always back fires on me. I'm sorry. I truly am. I never meant to hurt you, and I know you didnt to. I hope one day we could at least be friends. Cause I miss you, not just as my boyfriend, but as someone i could lean on and talk to...you always understood me...you cared for me and everything..you stayed with me in the hospital for a months plus and you believed in us. I hope you're doing well in college and having good health. You know I still care and check up on you. I don't even think about the bad stuff anymore. Seeing you happy is all I want right now. But I do want to know. Was this worth letting us go? When we had everything in our hands? I mean...you were close to my family and I was to yours and your dad and everything...like u and my mum..so I feel really sad. I mean plans to live in aussie together...suddenly everything changed..but I just wanted to say, thank you for everything, caring, loving and never giving up on us(but i dont know what happened recently, I always thought we'd make it.) And I'm ever so sorry for my wrongs. I never felt this before. This paranoid feeling, this empty missing piece nor the urge to care if my boyfriends cheating on me...knowing I'm probably doing it...like i did before and got with you, but with you it was different, I really was into u. Like never before. I never cared or bothered before you, I would just cheat and lie and play around, but with you it was real but i guess i just wasn't ready for it. I know I'm the most complex and complicating girl you'll face, I'm sorry :( but i enjoyed every moment with you. I've heard so many things about you now, I don't really know what become of you. The way people say it, sounds like a different person. Nothing like you, but if you think its good for you then I'll support you all the way like I promised. You should know, my heart secretly calls your name and iloveyou.

-the girl who always ate your burgers and fries.(Yeap, still got that recording. =p)

to be continued..

...then suppose to meet kelvin but u know me...haha malaysian timing :P...so yeah bla bla bla eat eat eat...went bck to my place after dropping umar...with steph and elle...shower...chilling downstairs and elle DJing and steph playing sims...alot of people got addicted to that game...rach, elle and steph...god knows who else ahhaha...so then we were suppose to go dinner with some dude at souled out....nyeh i didnt go..met with rach and kelvin...then...hmmm maakaaaan salllaaaadd...i swear i was so blur tht night ahaha...(thanks kel for salad mmm)...then went Ou...yesh yesh watched Monster vs Alien...waaahhh BOB is mine!!! then hmm went back my place DVD usual... slept...USUAL! b4 i knew it...it was morning they left...but i still slept wahha..piggy i know.i slept till 5pm too tired...then went breakers with john and all..met with rach as well...so mean now john ajak me go breakers only to get free pull table...bweehhh! kidding :P...yesh yesh u'd say 'i miss u cannot is it?' fine fine suit yrself ahhaha...went swimming with my mum bro rach and kelvin...ahhaha mummy got drunk and had emo talk with me...but after that she went so wild..lol..i love my mum..shes my entertainment..although she did cut my allowance by THREE QUATERS!!! but fine understandable...after that went to play pool at bREAKEERSS and some foos....met fi and taufiq and some other ppl...there was this guy..haha he freaked me out..but john played pool with him..and i was wearing short skirt....accidently bent to low....embaressing!!!!wtv la...jobless ppl ntg better to stare at...pffttt...khaleeda msged me...shafs cousin...wants to meet up...saw GODENG! after so long hehe...teddy bear lol.(THIS IS WHERE THE EMO STARTS)...i know we were together for some time..and i got to know his family and all then got rlly close to his cousins and all...had family dinners and all...it was so fun and nice people....but yeahh since we broke up i had to say me and shafiq is over and well...the cousins said we'd just meet up then have a talk and catch up...i mean...i love his family they been great to me..but u know things happen...i wouldnt wanna go and join their dinner as well..it'll be awkward..i used to be so close to his parents..and he to mine...now the dad doesnt even call me or sms me anymore...neither mum...although i had some issues with the mum..shes been there for me..so it kinda sucks all tht went down to the drain...bryans back as well...its good..saw his car:S haa typical shafiq messy dirty car..haha..so yea..actually i been missing shaf so much...and deeply honestly...(no offence to anyone or im sorry if anything i say hurt anyone) but no matter who i go out with...laugh with...date or wtv...he'll always be on my mind...and in my heart....i dont care if anyone tells me he's this and that...maybe now he is...but the guy i used to be with was...well everything to me...all i can say is...he is a different person now..and im in love with the old him not this new...i dont know...what can i say...for those who has known him for long..u know what im talking about...no doubt...spoke to him that day...for directions to this place we used to go together all the time...haha...ampang shishaaaa...but well when he picked up...i was shocked...hmmm it felt like i havent spoken to him in ages..didnt recognise his voice....but it was good to hear his voice...seriously..ahah...but no harm done...although i love him and he's always on my mind...i still dont understand how we fell apart.... " we're perfect, you and him, together." well guys thanks...i agreee we WERE.things have changed though...well this guy im seeing sorta...well he's kinda sensitive..i dont know what to do about him..he's my bestfriend..but he kinda expects to much out of me, us and i just cant give him anything..not even love...as my heart is else where....now he wants to repeat the give up thing again...after what happend at BK...so fine with me...i mean...theres this dude with 'the cap'...he makes me laugh...we have fun...but i see him once awhile...so yeah...but he's great...we knew each other for sometime..haha still skinnny..cant do shit about tht lol...he's a little more understanding...and i dun feel pressured...he doesnt expect anything from me...claming he isnt a good bf and all...and he knows that i dont want anything he understands me and accepts it so yeah..thats great...cause right now..im just lost in shaf's eyes...and i need to get out..but honestly its gonna take some time..the other guy 'the clumsy one' ahha...well...i dont know...i think i might hurt him...and i dont want to...i hardly see him..so im safe for now..i dont have to be the bad person :( i feel rlly bad i hate this..im so sorry...seriously...but i cant help the way i feel for my x....as for this sensitive boy....we re two different people..and im not saying we cant get together...i just cant do tht to his x....and i cant do tht to our friendship and i cant do it to him...knowing i would hurt him...look at me..yes, im loud and wild but i do have my soft moments..but im just not into being nice or soft to any guy after what happend....cause i swear...i still shed a tear every once in a while...i just hope my x is happy...and well...hope he's gf is treating him well...sometimes...i wanna call...sms and just talk to him...but i dont think the gf would like it very much..so im backing off...wtv..everyone said i was stupid to talk to her or even bother with her...but hey no hard feelings...its wtv...i had my turn...so things got in the way...it was our relationship, our decision and our regrets...so she doesnt have to worry...im not plotting anything or what not...(if you're reading this)...it just sucks big time! missing some one...loving some one...and he might think i dont anymore...nope...im not done ahha...well..alot of drama...elle is in malacca..was suppose to go with her god knows what happend...then she got rlly high..told my friend to take care of her...mmm...yeah...was out with 'usher'..haa fun fun fun...lol...was slurrring and babling...but fine..still fun ahah...just got back its...6 am now..im so fucked i gotta wake up by 11am haha...oh well..im on holidays hhe...basicly...

emo again?

well i have been having a pretty wild week...since last thursday...got into trouble with dad cause recently he's been home alot ... he was usually nvr home..so he caught me coming back really late...that night...football man u vs barcelona.. ahah fucked up match...cant believe man u lost! and well me and elle were walking up and down desa finding something to do...went to supperclub..bweek...rempits and lala's(no offence)...then met some friends here and there...hated it..so full...couldnt even walk anywhere i went..so we bought a bottle of shit alcohol and coke...went to the park and drank....it was shit alcohol...later on went home drunk haha..elle started mixing/djing with my comps ahha..then a friend called...we were suppose to go out..but i swear my legs didnt let me..i just OD...ahha....then elle took my laptop and kept it till today i havent got it back..then yeah...we had shisha at bangsar with umar and steph...some drama but it was all okay...then i went out with rach and kelvin later that night..watched movieee..heheee i like BOB! aaahhaha so flubber!!!!then yeah..to be continued...andreaaa wants to go out... :Di know i know..this isnt emo..but getting ther hahaha :P

change part 2 :)

well had no class yesterday and today ahha...yesterday was so stoned...but it wasnt the crazy happy laughing me..haha i was pretty serious..and was with elle having girl talk and all..haha about guys...and some other things...we went to adams and then chilled in a smokey bathroom ahha..wasnt so bad...just felt like a sauna room..i drove up :P...secretly hha...hope my mom doesnt read this:P...so yeah then went to desa played some pool...trashed elle :P..haha but i suck anyway just luck then these two guys wanted to play with us..we went off to the foosball section and played a game and left to Nobel..we surfed the net then played left 4 dead couldnt play team haha..it was pretty lag..but wasnt so bad...havnt been to cc for a long time..miss going there with shaf and all though...hahah good times:)...well right now...im pretty much a go for anything...seeing that i completely commited myself as a house wife to shaf(on my count)...it wasnt so bad at all...but yeah..now im just being me :P...fluctuating haha...well tuesday at 1.01 bored and hungry doing a facial with elle now ahha..maybe going movie with zawir and all..and lunch with rach and kelvin...hmm..so yeah...besides this...i realize i shouldnt be emo and sad anymore..id have to say...i cherish and enjoyed every moment i had and i dont regret anything. so i guess i should just be happy knowing he is now(i think) the least i can do now is remember everything we had cause honestly...it seemed so perfect just a little glicthes here and there...despite family issues and friends and love life pretty much not so good now...well im not gonna talk about family nor friends...theyre been great some of them but lots of drama and shits been happening..well things got a bit to fucked up with these two guys i dont know...i turned down one and the other is just acting weird cause we had this talk..now he doesnt want anything from me..well i did tell him and give him heads up that im vulnerable and im not into relationships right now...so now were friends..i was rlly upset that it happend...but wtv...who were we kidding..we dont even have that much in common and plus if we ever got together i would just hurt him...looking at the things im doing now...going out...partying and just doing wtv on my own time...im not interested in commiting..not for awhile..i still love my x...and my heart is closed so yeah..and this other dude..he's cool with it..he completely understands me..but i think he has a thing with some other girl so yeah..ahha..but its ok..i dont expect anything..i just love him company and he's one of my bestfriends...since form3 we got close so yeah...things are looking better slightly at some points so its all gonna be alright..im just gonna keep my head up and go with the flow.

thats the new me you're gonna see teehee :D

my weekend.

well, since the last time i blogged alot has happend...well..im almost done with my exams...ive got one paper on wednesday..then im done...english literature:P...last tuesday to friday i had exams..but i didnt go on friday cause ended up going OU and then back to my friends house to watch another movie which was Uninvited aha...well was suppose to go clubbing with elle friday..but ended up with rach and kelvin...they didnt let me take a cab...so yeah...went curve and watched Night in the museum 2...was funny ahaha...then next day woke up and ate...was fucking hungry...they didnt feed me :(...so then the next morning we ate and slept from 3-6...supposed to go swimming at ryan's..haha too bad...btw...ryan if youre reading this...you owe me my waffles!!! :P....basicly that was my thurday, friday and saturday evening...that night itself i went foosing and met up with Risa and everyone and just chilled.then went to the park in desa had a few beers...then jimmy called..haha he said he was at devi so i went there and i didnt see him when he said he rounded twice...i only saw him leave...but later we did meet up...and then got went to his cousins house and just chilled fell asleep...wasnt such a 'comfortable' night at the house...weird things were going on or maybe i was just high and had a bit too much to drink..haha...went back on sunday at 9 am..and slept after my bath...then woke up at 5pm..ahha shit my time table was so off..then i went breakers till 10 or 11 didnt eat till then...24 hours no food !!! me!!! surprised...then i stayed home for a little while on sunday..but they 'small dick' ;p said i ffk so i had to go out...it was okay..:) so that was my weekend.it was either out, high, drunk or chilling out...hmm well...i know im back to the old me..haha but it guess things have changed now. NO REGRETS.

Fizzy's bday.

nik just came back from mekah.

it was fizzy's bday and we all gathered at castle to surprise him..he was rlly stressed out that night for god knows what reason but he was rlly happy oncee the cake and everything came..hehee i havent seen him or any of them in ages...gahhh!

Putrajaya days.

this was after our heavy dinner...its called ermm...well i dont remember but the food is good but huge portions...

Nik in shaf's car rocking to his music haha

Haha i didnt know they took a picture..seriously.

haha nik

it was a random and usual meet up...we were all super close..and everything...we had our huge ass dinner...i had some lamb thing..i swore i think i ate intestines or something that looks like it..but the fried rice with crab and drinks were yummy...i miss eating there...well yeah...then we were bored so we decided to go to putrajaya and chill haha...i miss those days when everything didnt need planning it was just a get up and go thing hehe

A random road trip to PD.

su apat and me...this was when their evil plot of the crab started.:P

me and apat just woke up..ahha we couldnt even open our eyes ahha.

all of us...feeling hungry hmmm...

even the driver wanted to be in the picture...guess what we could have died pfttt.

hahaha i havent seen su and apat for a rlly long time so we thought of hanging out...me and aswad played foosball ahhh...felt so good haven been playing much though...miss it loads..haha...anyway we went bestari..while everyone was into the football match we planned a trip to PD...straight away went...aiman and jimmy didnt wanna go...both also malas to drive and there was no more space in the car...well i rlly wanted them to come ahhaha..havent seen them in a while..so yeh we went there and we did rlly stupid stuff otw there...smoked in the petrol station...gahhh thank god no explosion and didnt get fined ahhaa...then we bought dunkin donuts andhad an arguement with apat and su...they bullied me the whole way...they teased me and mocked me...wow im that mockeable everyone does it...ahha...so yeah after that when we got there we bought more foods...food on stickk and we ate like carnivors hhahaa....we tried looking for seafood and ikan bakar...couldnt find any....and we nearly went to malacca god knows why...but it was so fun....we took lots of pics..and su tried to put crabs down my pants and aswad tried to put the crabs on mell...ahaha well i took my revenge i put the crab in su's pants...well boxers hahha...loll....seems the crab didnt lik it in there...i manage to drop out hahaa...thank god there was no claws on them ahahah...later that night we went for makan...then went back...i fell asleep on apats shoulder...for a skinny guys hes not bad to lean on ahahah...lol...so then we went back at about 6 to 7 i duno..i slept at 8 pfttt ahhaah...ws busy loading pics and had a shower....were so planniing to do it again..>!!!!:)

Langkawiiii :)

hahah i didnt know they were taking a picture..but i swear the sunset was so beautiful....besides it was with the people i love so it made it all so much more special.

hehe see now this is the proof why i have different colours on my body now..haha and the retarded patches was cause i didnt spray the taning oil properly:P

on the bus...finaly well..not rlly ...it was an 8 hours journey...gahhh so long i know:P should have flew instead but it was fun...:) we constsantly made stupid faces at each other thats how bored we were...:P
hahahaha i dont know what he was up too but you can say that we had some drinks before this :P

it was so random and planned on the spot...its the only kind of trip that works for me haha...we went there for my loving sister's bday Elle...she turned 17 on the 1st of may...we had so much fun...we got drunk and high and went to bar to bar...beer and alcohol was our drinks and dinner was being high...ahha...we took so many pictures...we went every where..i love her and although there was some sad memories and and bad times as we thought back about the years before..it was time we had to let it go...elle and i shared a few tears and smiles in reminder of her dearest ezar. may God bless your soul. Well other than that, we had heart to heart talks and a little lecture ahah...but she's the best :) no matter what anyone thinnks regardless of her or me...unless you've been there then you shouldnt be the one to speak...but yeah anyway..we got stuck on the island cause there was no way to get back to KL tht night so we had to stay an extra day aha...i got sick :P...well it was a good holiday :)

Change.

Yeah so I havent written in a long time...theres just too much going on to write anymore...so much easier if it was recorded haha...so yeah lets start from where i left offf...so its been a month plus since we've broken up...i just kept myself occupied by going out and partying...being high and alcohol was my resolution..yes i know it was super stupid to get myself all fucked up for a guy...but hell i rlly love him...it was like after the break up i just couldnt stop crying for weeks...slowly i just ran out of tears to cry...i went to langkawi and got high and drunk yet he was the only one on my mind...honestly there were two ways on mind...talk to him or just go get a guy and forget him. but at the end, it hit me, eventhough i had the chance with this guy that sudenly kissed me and confessed him feelings its not tht i didnt like him, i just couldnt like anymore...my heart was completely closed up. it was awkward but it turned out ok as i just pretended ntg happen but he pissed me off by constantly telling me he's not that kinda guy tht just wants sex..i know..i wasnt thinking tht until he bugged me so much about it that i just got so irritated...elle wanted me to just do what i do best and just go with it...well that was the old me...since shafiq im not like tht or tht kinda girl anymore...well most of me anyway..i know i had a lot of flings and all before or wtv but tht doesnt mean i have to be that girl now...i was so much younger and love was just a game...until i met shaf...or they call him "shaq" now...so yeah langkawi was great just that when we were suppose to go back...there were no ferrys and buses and it was raining so we stayed another day and i was rlly sick....once back in Kl i met up with everyone and its back to school and its highschool drama life..but i did meet this other guy...and old friend...we got rlly close...didnt expect to actually make out with him eventhough we were bestfriends...but he's way to busy and has way better girls than me...college girls matter of fact. I rlly fell for him but at the same time there was awkwardness between me and him and it just wouldnt work like tht..i havent seen him in a rlly long time though..the last time i saw him wee just kissed nothing more..he's a great friend but face it we both just arent ment for each other...then my other friend(no need to mention names) told me he liked me for a long time ....well i could never do that to her(my bestfriend), not after what happend between them...so i told him honestly i only want to be his friend and i could never do tht to my friend. so yeah..its cool...we're good...so now...i dont know....everything rlly confusing...even if i have as much attention i know it wont be like the one i use to have and love for sometime to come...i rlly do love all of them as they are rlly great friends but i just cant open my heart to love right now and i know if i tried id hurt them and myself...so whats the point...even after all this while...shaf is still non my mind...i dont know what to do...its been weeks and day and hours...but he still longers through me...i cant even hate him...but he has spoken to me in the past month...he told me that how i feel is how he feels too and he said that this break up hurts him too...so its harder for me...its like he gives me hope to hold on...and he wont even admit that he has a new gf and he's wit him..i duno...but clearly i knew he cheated with all the pics of them on her page...yeap...i looked and in her blog...he's been dating her since end of january...he only broke up with me in april.....so i dont know it hurts but i just cant hate him...well then i went to PD...it was fun but im hanving some heart problems now and all this wild life is killing me so im gonna try to minimize my alcohol and smoking...other than tht...ive been having exams since 11 may until 27 yesh super long haha...stressed out with friends and family and school and just everything around me...lied to my mum to skip tuition tht dy felt rlly bad but i was just way too tired to go...been with rach and kelvin alot been watching movies and everything...watched coming soon hahaa was fun and I love you man is awesome..should go watch. besides that nothing much....im just mixed up with this guy (he says were not dating) so i dun know what to call him at all...a date, a bf, a friend...but i guess its good he's taking it slow...well he thinks im this highclass girl thats way out of his league...im not...im just like everyone else...he's way more than what he gives himself credit for...i like him i rlly do...but i just cant open up anything to anyone right now...one things for sure...im surrounded by loving and absolutely awesome people and i love them to bits...was suppose to go to pulau kapas during the holidays but no one can make its off going to geting highlands instead...then i might be going down to singapore with elle and so yeah...im gonna fill up my time...try meet more people (not looking for bf or anything) just trying to look for better connections and everything for work and stuff like that...i wanna widen my scope and try new things....i mean honestly im sad shafiq is gone but i rlly suppressed myself for him and i pushed away everything as he didnt rlly like people and parties and stuff...he was the chill out kind...i didnt mind that but sometimes too much of something gets boring so yeah...dun get me wrong honestly, i dun have grudges with him and i think he was a great person before he met this girl now he's someone new or somthing he started lying to me...cheating and drugs...i know he was a good boy cause he was always the one watching out for me...but everyone says he's just a late bloomer so its a phase...he'll come to his senses...well yeah but i cant wait around forever so ill see how everything goes...i still wanna be his friend though...but im afrraid i cant control my emotions...and i dun wanna cause drama with the new girl...so yeah...but since everything happens for a reason..theres nothing much i can do...but anyway..i guess time will heal all and ill be back to track soon...