Lost.tongue tied

Walking with the shadows
They fade with the rising of the sun
They return as darkness fall
The shadows dwell on my mistakes
Mistakes, I can't take back
In no time, there will be none left
To look back on the broken pieces
My heart is bleeding from picking up the pieces
There is no end to the path 


Didn't want to break you down
So I destroyed myself;
for your mistakes
You could never hold me, gentle
You could only tear me apart
with my bare shoulders
I'll cry myself to smile
And I'll crawl to the nearest door


I can't stand no more
I lost myself with you
and I've been walking down
The dark allies, I can't find my soul
My smiles are just frowns upside down
They deceive you like you to me


I tried to bury the hurt
Realising, I've ran out of dirt
And my shovel is blunt
It just wouldn't dig any more
I'm in desperation for mercy
No one is picking up the calls
Don't have the strength to fight this war
Need to find my white flag 
I need to give up
There's just too many scars to carry
Too many times,
The wound has reopened
Once too many


Losing aim
Trying to keep my eyes clear
Trying to keep my heart open
Trying not to surrender
Armour, with no glory
Masks, with no expressions
My knees wont keep me up
Breathing heavy, struggling for life
Cuddled my knees while you bring me down
Your sticks and stones thrown my way


Turn around
I'm far behind and you forgot
Watching me fall out
You watch as I sink to the ground
You walk away from my last whisper
I will find the last bit of soul
To walk another direction
As my words spoken, unheard
My words turn to winds, ignored


Rise from the ashes and fight
With every last ounce of love
Anger unleashed to sustain
Hurt lingers to the  dust
Your ignorance left me
Walking in another path
Got lost a long the way
Before you know it,
It'll only be the sound of the wind
And my tongue stays tied.

unfortold

like painting walls with a strand of hair

like walking through the crashing waves

like the fear of falling and you dont know when it ends

like the sinking of a ship, unfound

like a missing piece to the puzzle, unsolved

like washing off stains that just appear invisble

like being a clown with only a smile

like walking in shadows but everyone sees

like holding your breath under water

like biting your fingers to numb the feeling

like the frozen ice, helpless

like the burning sun, yerning

like the hurricanes, chasing

like the clouds, uncertain

like falling stars, lost

like the universe, dark

like seconds, but eternity 

like laughters, but lies

like chattering, breatheless

like hope, faithless

like believe, bearing

like your touch,fearless

like your words, knives

like your movements, careless

like your heart, beating

like your love, empty

like emotions, out of reach
like footsteps, fading

Hectic 2weeks.

So I finally got up to it and went to the dentist last week and got my teeth checked. Got them polished and whitened to only find out that my wisdom tooth grew vertically and was growing into my jaw bone. Ouch. Been hurting my mouth for a while but people kept saying 'when wisdom tooth grows, it hurts. ' some said, 'wisdom is not gained without suffering'.. well they were wrong, i was just going the wrong way thats why it was so torturing. so anyway, made an appointment and got 6 jabs before the removal. had four first but started to feel the pain when the dentist was drilling into the gums. Had another two while he was breaking my wisdom tooth, apparently it was too deep in. Lol. So when it was finally out, the pain started to come back, damn those receptors. Didnt realise that the lazy nurse had been leaning the sucktion on my lip and it left a little mark, lazy woman. and i could feel every single stitch. After the surgery was done, went home and slept. woke up completely forgetting that the doctor had said not to open my mouth too big, but heck I did, and blood started gussing out. Swelled up for 3 days and could only have porridge and soup... sigh, bright side, lost three kilos:D... the following week had to get my assignment done, with no attention paid in class, struggled to do so, was on the books and laptop all the time researching youtube too. thats how desperate i was, seeked help from my brothers tuition teacher but she's in a bad place and left me hanging, went to her centre and she wasnt there. sigh. furious, i did it myself, right or wrong, only the lecturer knows. sigh sigh. Finally this week came about and I had a skin laser around the eye to remove oil seeds that were too painful to remove by facial. Started off with a facial and some really acidic cleanser that made me feel like my face was shovered into hot steam from a pressure oven. When the laser finally begun, the lady said, you've got good tolerance with pain, do you want to try without anestetic, being egoistic , i didnt take the anestetic, my eyes shrivelled like a prune and tears kept running. it was a crazy shock to the brain, didnt expect it to be so painful. The smell was pungent. best yes the week is almost over, laser , check.... wisdom tooth removal...check... assignment... well... just need to type it out... gah crazy crazy week... damn procrastination!!! GRR!

When the sun is shining and it feels like a good beach-y day, you run to the room to get your beach mat, sun block, best bikini and matching slippers. Then you decided to take your your new car for a ride, taking off the hard-top assuming no rain.So the radio is playing your favourite song and you sing along. Just as you reached the beach side a dark cloud and strong winds blow the sands into your face, tearing by the pain, raindrops start falling on your head. Now, you're in a cardigan, it's blistering cold, and your car wont start, the seats are getting wet and the radio is telling you about the horrid weather we will be facing. So you reach for the phone and there's no reception. Now you're sitting under a tree looking at the rain flood your car and the water drips off your face like 'rainex' cause of the sunscreen. Just looking at how a perfect day turns so horribly annoying and pissing off, the phone never has reception ; no sign of help. STORY OF MY LIFE?

Agoraphobia. Yes, maybe I'd admit I am a little. The people I knew and grew with have departed from this land we call home. It used to be my all time determination to go for an unknown land. But the paranoia sinks in, my family, friends, my dog and cat... but what makes this feeling push me with the wind so easily. I couldn't and still can't comprehend. I'm a woman's body I am drowning like a child unable to fight. Don't quite get that though. I feel a little retardation in my life and I just tend to watch people pass me by as I'm counting the seconds. I still have a time to spare, but how long will I be sparing of it, is the real question. I feel like I can give great advise to others but cant overcome my pessimistic yet over optimistic challenge with the realistic. Am I an opportunist? Well, I'm still to encounter and win that war.

Life, just one question..."WHY??"