when a storm comes dont dwell on it, just go dancing in the rain.

Everyone tries to be heartless and pretend to feel nothing at all but deep inside everyone is still human after all. Putting on a mask, running away from the problems as far as you think you can and lashing out anger in inhumane ways. I took the risk before and went down the most terrifying roads, it's like walking down a dark, creepy alley and you don't know who's or what's hiding in the corner. Something else, never give up or let go of something while it's still there, cause everyone needs to hold on to something, or they'll fall for anything, good or bad, it might destroy them. I've stopped trying to be heartless and cold, but only so clearly I can see a path which doesn't look too convincing to me. I gave up on the most important thing in a persons life but at the end of the day, it still only comes down to you and you alone, nothing else matters. I still cry in regret, because it was so easy to tell the world, but so hard to tell myself, when all I really want is to hear those three words and to be held like the little girls in the park and their daddy's. Not much time in my hands to fix what I'm missing, the sins caught up and it's just going to fall infront of me to my depts I will drop beside helplessly crying, yes am in still deep regret, I know it isn't trying, it's so hard to be done, but so easily said. I'm not a person who's very close to family, but if they need me I'll be there and I'd find away to be there, but they can't see what I'm doing for them and they think I can't see what they're doing for me. This family has given up everything to support people around us, to help people that aren't even thankful nor grateful for anything, till the point we forgot about ourselves and stranded out each others hearts to other things, keeping busy, keeping away from all the pain we feel inside, the empty lonely rooms and spaces just passing by. By far, I'm spending most of my time with friends and some how I am losing interest and missing my old lifestyle and friends, but I don't think I can go back in that far, afraid I'd fall back into my old demented self again which was so reluctant to feel anything at all, so I'd rather play on the safety grounds till I'm ready to see how they changed and how well my will power is. By now, I'm splitting myself in different directions, this group, that group, here and there, just slowly drowning in my own hole but this time I'm bringing some form of light with me to keep me secure on my actions. And I finally made my choice of who I'm staying with in this time of phase I'm going through, yes, I love him and I picked him, whatever choices I've left behind, with everything I do, I promise to draw my limits, and step back, a card game layed out and finish, skipping this next few rounds and just being there, with a heart but I'm afraid, the heart is just so far, deep, broken and gone, if to find out, I'm gambling this whole thing, trying to love someone with emotions, and commitment. Life's a gamble.

walking back on broken roads.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOwuu0UQdiY


As I sprawled across the floor yesterday, lost sense of direction, hope and constantly thinking of all the terrifying things flashing pass me like it was my last moment, felt so alone and couldn't feel anything more, like a normal reaction, just fell to the ground on my knees and hugged my knees while trying to hold back the pain and tears, but it kept on coming, ended up I was lying on the floor, as if being stabbed and lying in a pool of blood, it was my own tears, feeling like no one can help me now, the people around me kept calling and texting me, trying to check up on me, knowing me the last time I was like this I fell from grace and was in horrendous state, feeling so confused, didn't want to speak to anyone, but did anyway, had to get out of the house, but it's so hard, to walk out everyday, and put on a fake smile, 'so busy out there, so lonely inside.' Had to pull myself together, cause a light bulb just popped in my head and common sense started rushing in my veins, ' get up' and ' you're stronger than this' with that, I just got up, got in the shower and poured my heart out to some of my very depressing songs and ironicly it was also raining at the time, home alone made things worst. Couldn't do this to myself, I thought, so just got out, got dressed and drove out, went out with a friend and tried to hard to pretend I was find and trying to not detail anything at all, went an caught a movie and just ate and tried on clothes and act like an idiot, but somehow doing all the above got me back up a little, then went to a friends house, she really surprised me and made me a little bit emotional, she remindes me so much of my bestfriend, the personality and the way they hold themself, she's pretty awesome for someone I got to know and figure about a little more in one day or so. The break down made me think, put me back in position, I spoke to my technical boyfriend, I told him, about for 6 months now I have been my old self and just being a bitch, but the break down made me have a wake up call, and I realize, I can't hide behind playing cards and breaking hearts, so I told him, with my heart I said this ' maybe you could be what I need to make me stop' because there's just something about his eyes that says so much but so hard to explain. Then again, I'm taking a risk and it's a chance I'm taking on myself and him, but there's a little part of me that has certain attraction but I told him straight to his face ' I'm not cheating' and I wont. No one can help me but myself and I know now, that the break down made me feel like I'm... human. All this time I been living heartless and cold for the 6 months but enough is enough, I dont deserve this. For those who knows what I been through in my past, you guys understand, and thank you for always being around for me. Andrea is learning to walk again.

just collapsed.

Since the break I told myself " fuck relationships" they hurt and break you instantly and I said I was just going to not care anymore and the world was going to be my play ground, for the past 6 months I've been doing so, breaking hearts and pulling baits but now that I told myself I want to stop this cause I made a mess of this, my emotions are juggling around for so many people and being around so many is just making things real difficult to for me to breathe in a safety zone, afraid of being caught, maybe I used to play my cards right for all this time, but the one guy to sweep me off my feet made me change, after some time I threw the cards on the table and just gave up playing the game. But when karma hit me all in one shot witht the guy I loved entirely with my heart, I hated love, jaded and destroyed I just wanted to rebel against everything he did, everything but knowing I was once a card player to deserve this, too much in pain and regrets I just struck back and didnt care for anything or anyone at all. My outside is just another mask I need to carry on daily lives when I just know my iniside has been locked away and no one can ever entre under my account. I met someone just like me, every move and every step he took, I knew he understood me, and all the words just came out, then I had to stop and think, because I was already falling for him, but I knew something was so wrong and he made me think and open some small part of me, reminding me how much I loved someone, and how much playing cards hurts the opposite side, I didnt like the feeling so why should I do it to someone else, the feelings came rushing back in, and I just collapsed on the bed room floor feeling like I was alone in this world, feeling like there is just me and no one else and how much I want for him to know how much I miss and loved him from the deepest of my heart, they asked is your heart locked away because you're not over him or you're waiting for him, honestly I don't know anymore, I'm confused and just so lost touch with everything, I'm lost and I can't seem to find the way out, but I'm not planning on giving up, but now my emotions are unstable and I just can't breathe around this air anymore.

high on life.

Sophisticated and content with being alive and living it to its fullest trying hard to not regret a single thing. Been spending loads of time getting to know new people and socialising with the world, been digging lots of general knowledge about the world too, studying of course seeing that my finals are in one month and one day from now, hoping it all pays off, successfully suceeding to do so. Aiming for 8 above credits and passing two of my worst subjects in the world, history, which is utterly boring in modern teenage life and economics which is hard to understand the fact it is also in a language I suck at and bores the shit out of me. Mom wants me to start college in January, well dont really want to bum around too much or I'll just delay everything else, knowing me. Slowly am picking up back everything I threw away in my pass highschool years, no regrets and no complaints but it's just something I really want to straighten out, such as my timing for studies, social life and family and some little other things. Conclusion, studies and future here I come and a long way with that, mass communication is about a four year course and one year SAMS in Taylor's Hartamas next year. Gah! Time passes so fast seeing my little baby brothers all grow up and start reaching puberty, yikes! Using their computer isn't safe anymore, repeat, my eyes are burning! Getting a Hyundai Tucson next week and also allowance has been cut, but it isn't so bad, cat eyes always works on mommy =). Met someone that read me like a book, it's pretty cool, we're alot alike and have the same more or less kind of perspective on life and how we see things and such. Friends are one of the best things that has happened to me and been there for me through it all, although all friendship has its ups and downs, can't wait till after SPM, me and my favourite girls are going to prom together and going to have our own little girls night out, yes, my dear friend is coming back from Australia in December, it's going to be a blast. Friends are planning trips here and there so hahha butterflies going to fly out of my purse. Been dating this guy for about two weeks now, it's complicated, as you know, I'm super messy when it comes to all this kind of thing, yes I am not good with stress and pressure. Still clinging on though, to the past memories but recently been thinking about the good ones and had a blast laughing about it, yes, envy people, I had the best time of my life for two years with one of the most awesomest guy I ever met, although it ended sobre and depressing. This is crazy, it's 6.39 in the morning, and I'm off to bed. Nights. =)

History repeats itself.

Yes, the drama is all starting over again, like it ever stopped, some how drama always finds it's ways back to me, talk about fate. So recently after the last incident with my other group of friend, I just blurred out of the picture, haven't seen some of them in ages, but still do see some around. Kind of miss them thinking about it, but we're still friends. Reason of fading into the back ground was cause there was too much drama and couldn't take it, did my part and tried to make things out but the rest was out of my reach. Started hanging back with my old friend and well things are okay now, given up fighting and war so I guess the water is still right now. Then slowly, I've built up some feelings for this guy in some other group, groups and their problems and well, just recently I been hanging with him more, getting to know him better, then it suddenly seemed like I lost track of my old friend and her group, I don't want anyone to think I'm ditching for a guy, no. I'm not I'm just trying to get to know him better, and well, since the last few months were pretty hard on me, I'm slowly getting by, not to say it doesn't hurt completely, it hurts when I think back of the betrayal and lies, not so much of the breaking up part anymore. The thing is now, this guy here, no not the one I have feelings for, makes me confused, he always seems so moody and pessimistic, leaving me speechless. I'm stuck in a dilemma. Anyway, about this guy I like, the emotions are kicking in again and now I feel afraid and stuck, jaded by love, afraid of the consequences of a relationship and getting hurt, scares me but a risk I'd take if I find it worth it. This might be another incident like the last time, since everyone has so much to say about the guy I like, so yeah. I'm also afraid of the fact, I might not be able to put my heart into it, as I don't even know how far I am from falling in love so deep again. Don't want to hurt anyone in the process of me picking myself up from scattered pieces. Till then, I'm still going with the flow. =D

A heart as a yoyo.

Somehow, I been pretty okay since the last time I blogged. Although I played my old playlist and there was hell alot of emo songs, I just seem to fall into the mood, but not go mellow dramatic on it and start thinking of stupid things and flip my world upside down. It's a pretty good feeling to just lay there, sprawled across the bed, looking out the window and it's a nice day and just thinking back at everything, how much the bitterness is only at its peak. Gah! What the hell, no one promised anyone a rose garden or a bed of roses anyway. Although so, I been rather jumpy and hyper alot at times, one of the days was cause of the overly pyscotic way I ate chocolate, but the other days was something real, so yeah, maybe, maybe not that I'm slowly learning to let go, knowing I was pretending and mezmerizing on something that didn't even exist to begin with. I think I'm falling for someone though, and well, it's a nice feeling since the last incident didn't turn out quite satisfying. Knowing so, he is like a walking turnado, sweeps you off your feet and completely misjudge, the last thing I expected from him, but then again, now I'm hanging by the moment, is it me or is it real? The things I'm hearing, is making me think, but putting me in a sticky situation, it's hard to comprehend or mould anything out of it, there's always this crazy battle between my heart and my mind, gah! They sure make things complicated. I don't know what to feel but all I know is, I haven't felt like this is a long time, okay fine not that long, but it's been sometime and well, I like it. Hmm alot of doubts and complications, and I'm thinking too much again. Yes, very me to go to deep and start assuming things hoping for the worst all the time, but I guess when the worst comes it doesn't feel so bad since there was no hope to break or anything for a fact. It's been crazy, got my license and getting my car later in the morning. Been driving quite abit but the thrill of it just swept away when I got the legalism to do so. Hmmm no more fun but it's better now except that I have been an exceptional driver for the family. Dad going off overseas as usual, and mommy just growing older and grumpy and slightly more pms-y. Menopause coming, I'm screwed and the two devils seem to be growing up too, thinking about it, time passes by so fast and there's just not enough hours to do the million and one things I want to do. Everything seems slightly steady now, all I'm stressing on is my studies and future, a little here and there on family and friends, but those are merely a dust in my life since everyone isn't perfect, loving them the way they are is all I can do but I do get my irritations and moodiness on regular basis. Love is a beautiful thing, it is, I'm just wondering if I can open my heart and just fall for someone again, I mean I am at the moment falling for someone but I'm afraid of the consiquences of emotions and the mess it causes in time. Maybe I'm being pessimistic but based on the last relationship I had, not to say I have any regrets but how it cuts is pretty scary, but I already am into someone, I wouldn't say love, but it's all blooming into something I hope I predicted wrong, drama. Although so, I am still going with the flow and this guy somehow, I feel comfortable around and just plain me. Reminding myself though, I am still going with the flow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgNjn9V_IKw